How do you solve a problem like Iran?

How do you solve a problem like Iran?  Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her. Many a thing she ought to understand. For example, I think perhaps Tehran should understand that if the U.S. didn't already have enough valid reasons to annihilate it from the world, it probably shouldn’t give them another one.

The latest brouhaha that has Iran all in a tizz is their insistence – INSISTENCE! – that the U.S. aircraft carrier that passed through the strategic Strait of Hormuz in the Persian Gulf last week should stay out.  Iran have warned the U.S. not to come back into its region or else blah blah blah. Or what, Tehran, what are you going to do? 

Let’s not forget that the U.S. stations itself there because the whole region is unpredictable, dangerous and insane, and is concerned that Iran will close the strait. Iran has not said what action it would take if the U.S. continue hanging around, but I double dare Tehran to even consider blocking the world oil supply.

I kind of wish Tehran was stupid enough to attack the U.S. carrier with one of their missiles. Iran might be developing their military capability but they are still highly inferior. A missile attack would allow the forces of hell to validate a total ambush on the city and reduce it to a stinking pile of rubble. Which means Tehran wouldn't look much different to how it looks now.

While this is my favoured method of 'sanctioning' this middle eastern dropkick, it is probably not the best idea, given that it has many other nation state allies that are equally as psychotic.  May cool heads prevail; which is a little impossible when it comes with dealing with the Middle East.

Hundreds and thousands of runs

In any professional sport, your value is determined by a number – specifically how high a number or, in Tiger Woods' game, how low a number. If you happen not to consistently reach, and consistently increase, the number than is determined by ‘experts’ to be the best you can be, well, it’s probably time to call it a day and get onto designing your own line of stylish sports socks and jocks or start commentating various athletic pursuits, as retired sportspeeps tend to do.

I thought about the obsession with numbers the other day, when I was watching the second cricket test match between Australia and India at the Sydney Cricket Ground. This is the hundredth test match that the SCG has hosted, and the Indian player Sachin Tendulkar, who is affectionately known as the Little Master in cricketing circles, is under pressure to reach his hundredth century, which means he has ran up and down the wicket a shitload of times.

Up and down, up and down, one hundred million gazillion times. I wonder if the Little Master goes back and forth, back and forth in his dreams, yelling, ‘faster, Little Master, faster!’, to himself in his sleep like some nutso. I think the expectation would be very frustrating. I don't see any other player reaching those lofty heights.

Although, this week, Australian captain Michael Clarke reached 329 (not out) before declaring, which made Ricky Ponting (134) and Michael Hussey (150 not out) look like they were bowlers or something. Apparently Hussey is a bowler, so it makes sense then that he only reached 150. I guess the Australian public is giving away respect, as Clarke’s high score allowed him to go from tosser to hero in the eyes of the country in just a day.

I'm not a fanatic, but I don't mind watching the old cricket, now and again. I especially like how commentators come up with scores of colourful ways to describe how the home team is losing, or winning, as though they spend their time between overs leafing through a thesaurus.

Like any professional side, Team Australia has had its ups and downs over the years, but, unlike some sportstars, I am now comfortable with members of the Australian cricket team inserting the word 'professional' before their occupational titles, which implies a level of competence that is, for the most part, very pointedly not in evidence in many of our other professional sportspeople.

Firebugs

Los Angeles, or more specifically Hollywood, spent a couple of nights this week being traumatised by an arsonist who was going round setting fire to stretch limos and ferraris and carports and stretch carports and other vehicle related objects.

So in a place that regularly explode cars and blows up buildings in downtown Los Angeles for movie stunts with actors dressed in police uniforms, the LAPD asked locals to keep a look out for suspicious looking activity.  I imagine it would be a little difficult to tell the difference between acting and suspicious looking activity most of the time.  It would be like the Australian Federal Police telling Canberrans to look out for public servants googling all day when they should be working.  How would anyone be able to tell the difference?

My suspicions that the firebug was actually Lindsay Lohan were thwarted when the LAPD arrested a 24-year-old man on suspected arson.  Their evidence seemed to be based on the fact that there have been no further fires since he was caught, and he apparently had materials in his car that could start fires.  I guess that's like matches or something.  I suppose they're right; people who smoke should be in prison. Just because.

Maybe he was sick of the traffic.  I agree with his premise there.  Or maybe he was a greenie who hates cars - maybe.  It turns out that he is a German National who is cranky about something immigration-ish.  It's a pity that he isn't Mexican, which would give the Americans a good excuse to get rid of all the illegals in downtown L.A.

A local music producer (of course) in Hollywood said he was nervous about the arson attacks so he downloaded a police scanner application onto his iPad.  Of course he did.  So if civilials want to turn up to potentially dangerous crime scenes in America can they sue?  Uh, of course they can. It's America - the land of the free and the libelous.

I wonder if you can download Australian police scanners onto an iPad.  We must have laws against this, or else every criminal in Australia would have one and every rubbernecker would be down at every crime scene.  Can someone please google this for me and advise?  I prefer to not put 'can I buy a police scanner in Australia?' into my Google search engine in fear of ending up on some terrorist watch list.

Fine, I'll do it.  Apparently they are legal in Australia, but it is illegal to act on any of the information that you hear.  Well it's a good thing that our criminals are renowned for their law-abiding behaviour, or we'd be stuffed.

Elbow Grease & Expectations

Elbow Grease

We are very nicely ensconced in the easy life in the West. Compared to non-democratic, non-free nation states, no matter how bad things are in Australia, they are better than in other countries.  Life is simple and easy, but it's all relative, isn't it.  People in free countries don't have to worry about problems they have in, say, North Korea, and vice versa.  So often when we want to achieve a goal, we often expect it to fall from the heavens, rather than do any heavy lifting ourselves to get the desired result.

And this is the case for me right now. I want to get fit, but I don’t want to put in the work at the gym. I want to run a marathon, but I currently prefer to sit on the back deck. I want to write more, but all I am doing is reading books. At some point, the gap between what I am currently doing and what I want to be doing will hopefully diminish, and then I will, I imagine, start to put in some work into achieving my goals.

But, really, it all depends on how badly you want something. I think if you aren’t doing something right now then you don’t want it badly enough. Simple and easy and straight forward and free of excuses.

I am currently reading a book on the early explorers of Antarctica – Mawson, Shackleton and the like. In the early twentieth century, when these pioneers were finding their icesheet feet, they would give up years of their life to achieve a goal, which was, for them, to be the first to conquer various sections of the mysterious Antarctica. An average expedition would last upwards of one-year.

I know things were different back then, but I can’t help but wonder where my motivation and inspiration level would sit on the spectrum back then. Would I challenge the norms for the average woman, or would I just make do with being a chamber maid for a society woman and her lothario husband? I imagine they would not be very high, given my current lack of enthusiasm to meet my goals.

Expectations

Although I don’t believe in making new year’s resolutions that I know I am mostly unwilling and unable to maintain because of a iffy character flaw called ‘human nature’, I am kidding myself that doing an A – Z writing challenge for the month of January is not something that I have pledged to do with quitting. Fine; it’s a resolution then!

There, are you happy, Elizabeth? You’ve just increased the probability of abandoning the challenge half way through the stupid month by calling it a dreaded resolution. You’re an idiot. Um – why am I referring to myself in the third person? Only wankers do that. Stop now.  Good ways to stick to a resolution are planning, having some substance in your goal and be accountable to someone.  Um, I'm accountable to myself I guess.

However, in a display of incredible self-denial, I have decided that my writing challenge is not a resolution at all; it is in fact merely something I expect of myself. It is an expectation, and, in theory, I will feel terrible if I let myself down because I have high expectations of myself.  Something like that. Fortunately I don't have to continue my daily expectation beyond 10 February. 

Dateline winning

Sleepy, cruisey Samoa has to do something pretty drastic to make international headlines, and they pulled out a showstopper this week when they jumped in their time machine and landed ahead of the rest of the world on the International Dateline, the imaginery line on the earth that tells us when to do stuff.  BAM! Winning.

Just in time to get to 2012 first. Or second maybe. I don’t know, and don't particularly care.

Samoa last made the news in 2009, when the Samoan powers that be decided that the citizens would be switching to driving on the right side of the road, which we all know is the ‘correct’ side of the road. Evidently not much of interest happens in Samoa.

Apparently this whole change of dateline thing was to better align itself with its main trading partners, Australia and New Zealand. Which makes a great deal of sense.  So all the coconut oil we already have in the country is only from three days trade a week?  Great, that's exactly what Australia needs; more coconut oil.

Obviously Samoa doesn’t care to align itself anymore with its previous favourite trading partner, the U.S. Take that America; dumped by Samoa.

Samoa’s Prime Minister went all Gillard on everyone’s arses and said there would be no ne-go-ci-ation or something to that effect because this jump through the space/time continuum would aid trade with its key partners and everyone should just shush.

The Samoan-shirted PM had become increasingly concerned that Samoa was losing two working days a week being so far behind the rest of the world.

Hm, no-one in Samoa thought to alter their working week? No-one at all? Only in Samoa would they not be able to come up with a solution to this conundrum.

If Samoan public servants are anything like Australian public servants, I imagine they will be super thrilled about their working week increasing from three to five days. 

And the Australian Public Service would have a total conniption at having to make such drastic changes with regard to resources and superannuation, but I guess everything is just cruisey with the budget in Samoa.

The Samoan PM thinks his townsfolk are rejoicing at the time change, saying, “You can hear the sound of a lot of vehicles going around town, going round the town centre clock and tooting their horns. People screaming”. They are screaming in distress, Mr Prime Minister. You have ruined their lives.

Coffee Uprising & Comedify your Life

Coffee Uprising

This is an important community announcement to people who claim to be slightly addicted to caffeine. Slightly addicted? There is no “slightly” in addicted. That’s like saying you’re “kind of” stupid. You’re addicted, and stupid for not recognising your addiction. Deal.

I do believe there is no more important way to start your day than with a cuppa. I imagine Mother Teresa used to have a latte before going out blessing people and saving lives. Well there might be a more important way to start your day, but I don’t know what it is.

No-one knows, not even the Hitchhiker's 42 will provide any assistance to this conundrum, which is why the working class peoples of the world who occupy a house with electricity get up at the crack of too-early and start grinding coffee beans in a sleep-induced haze.

Comedify your life

Another fairly fascinating and titillating titbit from the endless catalogue of excitement that is my life is the news that I was blessed with a Sound Machine for Christmas. A Sound Machine is fairly self-explanatory – it is a gadget that has a selection of sounds for any event that happens in your life, and, more significantly, can be used to exasperate anyone in ear shot. I’m not obsessed with my new gadget at all.

Just so you can share in the inexorable excitement, here is a list of its classic sound effects: clap, audience, canned laughter, unlucky, loser, bomb, gun shot, smashed glass, cash register, drum roll, punch line theme, spring, bright idea, wolf whistle, scream, fart and burp. It is the perfect gadget for incredibly immature people like myself. So I’ve started to comic strip my life, comedify my life, if you will.

Sure, I made up the word ‘comedify’. But the word police are too busy reading the thesaurus to care that I made up one. During one of my journalism lectures, a very sombre journalist (see: a sandal-wearing deep thinker) pontificated that it is best to dream up words when you deem that no other word will do. Hmm, I don’t know about that. Alternatively, some good advice would be to branch out and learn the existing words, which seem to be adequate to the rest of the English speaking world.

I am proposing to carry my new gadget friend to places that need a little cheer, like shopping centres, Parliament Question Time and Afghanistan, to name but a few places that need someone to break the ice through a unsolicited manufactured burp or raspberry.

I imagine I will need to engage in a bit of covert action to get in the door, but then everyone will be all agreeable with each other. Or I’ll be shot in the head with an uzi. That’s the inherent risk when you arm yourself with a fun Sound Machine – you never know what’s around the corner.

Breakfast & Butterfingers

Breakfast

*Gets on soapbox*

The Red Cross do incredible work for people in times of crisis, providing immediate and practical help and support to those in need around the world. As a charity, one of their fundamental principles is that no child should go hungry. To this end, Red Cross Australia manage an initiative called the Good Start Breakfast Club, which serves 850,000 breakfasts each year in 220 schools in areas of greatest need.

It sounds like a fantastic initiative but it begs the question that charities don't ask because they are open-handed and tolerant and don't judge people who possibly deserved to be judged every now and again. My question is this: If you can't afford to give your children breakfast then why are you breeding?? What the hell is wrong with people?

Unless you live in a third world country, it is inexcusable to send your kid to school without giving them a meal of some sort. Sending ravenous kids to school was unheard of when I was that age. No matter how busy my mum was, she always made sure we had something to eat before we headed off to school.

The oft used excuses dragged out in parents’ defence these days - ‘I don’t have time’ and ‘life’s busy these days’ – are all very well. But things have always been busy for anyone bringing up children. People create their own busyness. And all their busyness says to me is that they need start reprioritising and buy their kids some damn weetbix.

It's like anything in life that feels unfair, like those women who are unable to pay their bills because they have just bought an expensive pair of shoes.  We all have disposable income and we all have spare time on our hands; we just choose to prioritise things differently.

At what point do parents need to start taking responsibility for their own children’s health and nutrition rather than leaving in to the state and charities?

The Red Cross is for people who really need it. I imagine a lot of these parents do need their support, but, in that case, they need to put a halt in the breeding process and stop blowing their cash on grog and cigarettes.  And charities shouldn’t be abused by smug parents who can't be bothered to give their offspring cereal in the morning. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people?

I can see people reading this now – “what does she know, she isn’t a parent?” Well, I know shirking responsibility when I see it.

*Gets off soapbox*

Butterfingers

I don’t really care to make new year’s resolutions, because who the hell keeps those things? But, for my own safety and for the safety of anything in my possession, I will resolutely endeavour to be more vigilant this and avoid walking into things as much as possible (for me).

I have a habit of walking into door frames, tripping over bed corners and coffee tables, walking into rear vision mirrors in car parks, and just generally hurting myself at least once a day. My talent for walking into things defies explanation.

I find it quite unfair when people tell me to just be more careful. I shouldn’t have to think strategically when I walk around a corner; shouldn’t the parts of my brain that look after spatial awareness and reasoning be onto this? I think someone has been having a siesta whilst on the job.

My explanation for this is my lack of depth perception – one short and one long sighted eye – but I will make an effort to walk into things less this year.

Animal Cruelty Laws

*Climbs on soapbox*

Bravo to the Daily Telegraph and other media outlets for posting the face of the evil psychopathic woman, Lily Maihi, who last week threw her four-month puppy off a 15 metre high balcony in Sydney because... blah blah blah. No-one cares what reason she has to defend herself; she should be in jail.  Animal cruelty is an issue that makes me, and most of the community, see red.

Since it happened, the media have shown pictures of the puppy being loved and cared for by veterinary staff on the nightly news; clearly standing up for a victim that is unable to defend itself against unspeakable cruelty. At the woman’s bail hearing, the magistrate said that cute pictures of "doey-eyed puppies" won't play any role in the court case, which is an attitude that we, as a society, should find greatly disturbing.

Seriously, what the hell? There was no jury to sway, although I think every animal cruelty case brought before a court should go through a jury. Well, the magistrate can spare me his dog-shit analysis. I note that judges don't seem to have any problem making emotional rulings when it comes to the rights of aboriginals or anyone in the islamic community.

Humans come to the defence of animals because they are vulnerable and are unable to stand up for themselves in a court of law and let's not forget the puppy is the victim here. Secondly, the RSPCA, the media and members of the public have to appeal to emotion because the animal cruelty laws are so lax in Australia - in every country - that there is no disincentive for the truly despicable people of the world to not do it.

How about we apply human regulations to animal cruelty cases? For example, if you throw your puppy off a balcony, you will be charged with attempted murder. If the dog dies, you will be charged with first degree murder.  On the whole, I generally think society is better off with less laws and less big government.  But the laws that we have are supposed to be in place to guide human behaviour which enables the efficient functioning of society. Thus, breaking laws should come with harsh consequences and penalties that should provide a disincentive to criminals who will most assuredly break the law again.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who have thought that the best thing for Maihi would be a dose of her own medicine, but no-one would do that because most people are generally good, unlike Maihi, who is pure evil.  The other reason no-one would push her off a balcony is because it is against the law.  There's that crazy deterrent of a life-time in prison working again.  Wow, applying the law really works, doesn't it?  Who knew.

I’m also a little tired of the argument that we don’t have enough jails. Well build more fking jails then.  It's not fking rocket science. And then allow the police a bigger slice of the state budget so they can have the resources to manage the penitentiaries so we can put these disgusting people where they belong, and keep them there.   

Granting bail to a woman who has been charged with an appalling act of animal cruelty is a disgrace. The only lesson she will take out of this is don’t get caught in the act. If the current crop of politicians won’t enact stricter animal cruelty laws and the current mob of judges won’t interpret the laws in a harsher context, they all need to move on so we can have competent people in charge who are capable of actual law enforcement.

Next time a human pushes another human off a balcony I shall ignore the victim’s sob story about their desire to catch the perpetrator and have them see justice. The magistrate in this animal cruelty case says that’s the right thing to do, so that must be the right thing to do.  We must refuse to let our emotions be clouded by histrionic hospital bedside pleas by the human victims and their families.  Because that would be humane and we can't have that.

As a society, we should demand tougher penalties for those who commit animal cruelty.    

*Gets off soapbox*

A - Z Writing Challenge 2012

Oh look, it's nearly January again!  Last January, in a moment of pure insanity, when I was obviously writer's block-free, I decided to do a 26 day A - Z writing challenge, which involved me writing on a topic from each letter of the alphabet every day until there were no letters left.  It was actually quite fun and didn't really feel challengy at all.  X was a bit of a head scratcher because there are only a few ways you can go unless you speak Mandarin, but I think I dealt with that tricky little consonant sufficiently.

I don't know why I want to do it again.  Bit of an idiot, I suppose.  All I know is that I felt completely inspired to write last time.  The irony is that when I was constrained to topics from a letter of the alphabet it just made everyone flow so much easier.  Although it's only limiting if you limit yourself in your imagination and creativity.  There's the challenge component kicking in!  So, I'm looking forward to a month of alphabet soup that will rival Sesame Street's obsession.  *sigh*

I don't like applying restrictions to creative writing, so my only rules are that I don't cover topics I covered last time, I try to cover topics I know nothing about, and that I finish by 10 February.  Yes, I'm giving myself a 10-day margin of freedom this time, because otherwise it might become drudgery near the end.  And I want to enjoy it and use it to develop my creative writing, not resent it.

Come on January 1 - bring it!