The news, as it happens. Sometimes.

I decided a long time ago that the least irritating method of attaining my ‘news’ is to avoid all of the mainstream media's interpretations of what’s going on in the world.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t actually get any news updates, it just means that I find out what’s news - and the details of any significant events - by reading news blogs online, particularly the comments section, where people argue with each other about this and that, which enables the reader to get an overall picture of what is actually occurring, and are able to come to their own conclusions, without the typical news censoring and agenda setting.

The mainstream media tell you want they want you to know, in line with their particular ideology (ie. George Bush sucks, let’s only print bad things about him. Or, more likely, Barack Obama is left wing, like our news outlet, and therefore we simply must find a way to give viewers the impression that he is the messiah, even though he is hopelessly incompetent).  I'm pretty sure news bosses sit around and say to each other, 'we want this guy to stay in power, what sort of web of lies would work in this segment/column?'

Like it or hate it, this is how most media outlets operate, as much as they bang on about how they report the news as it happens, without bias. Without bias, my arse.  I write of my disdain for the mainstream news stations because I am currently watching Channel Ten’s evening bulletin. Seriously.

Whenever I watch a commercial new bulletin I always feel like I'm the third wheel on a date between the two anchors that will probably result in them going back to her house for coffee after the weather, which always follows an inspiring and brave story of a blind Indian orphan with a tumour or something.

Please stop flirting incessantly when you're reporting on suicide bombers in Afghanistan. I know it happens all the time in those deranged countries, but your batting eyelids and sideways smirks when the cameras are rolling are a little tacky and fairly annoying.  We all know that you're not real journalists, but have some self-respect.

The commercial news stations’ format and choice of stories entertains me a fair bit. I love how the ‘breaking news’ always conveniently occurs just after the main stories of the day or just before the program wraps up. Who knew that motorway-congesting car crashes, bogan-fuelled armed robberies, natural disasters and murders occurred in such a timely fashion, to fit in perfectly snug with the tight news schedule.

Just watched the segment on the slightly delusional British woman who claims women hate her because she is Angelina Jolie-esque beautiful. The gist of the entirely uninteresting and unnewsworthy story is that this woman lamented – on a British national morning show – that her outrageous beauty is why women hate her, and now everyone does actually hate her, which she believes proves her point.

As it turns out, she has not only not been hit with the pretty stick, but I believe the scorn women have expressed in her direction en masse is possibly due to the fact that she is a tad on the arrogant side, in the way that Hitler was a tad on the ruthless side.  While I don’t care about any of it, and I do love watching a good catfight between catty, fighty women as much as you do, it does bother me a bit that the media continue to exploit people with psychological disorders for a good story.

Australia's stupidest home videos

I don't think idiots need any encouragement to do really stupid things. They are perfectly capable of behaving like morons without any financial incentive or the allure of a national audience to watch them make an arse of themselves. The problem is, idiots will, by their very nature, hurt themselves to get their mug on telly in anticipation of winning an entertainment unit.

I wonder how many people end up in hospital after trying to perfect a stunt for the incredibly stupid Australia's Funniest Home Videos, on Channel Nine.  Maybe there should be a loophole for insurers that states they don't have to cover damages in the event of dickhead behaviour. AAMI: I’m sorry, we do not cover damage caused by floods or Australian larrikinism. You need a brain, not insurance. It's not like these morons can show their insurance company the footage to prove they were hurt by accident, because most of the clips are so stunted that the participants could get a job on Home and Away.

Speaking of acting, the effervescent host, Shelley Craft, does a miraculous job in pretending her show isn’t the most idiotic program on television. When I stare confused at the telly, she laughs hysterically. When I shake my head in amazement at the low IQ antics of some of the show's reality stars, she laughs hysterically. I imagine that’s her coping mechanism to get through the program.

Note to observers who are also caught on camera in spurious home videos: if you are producing a bogus accident, make sure you look surprised when your mate breaks his neck / dislocates his shoulder / or decapitates himself. It sort of looks rigged if you just sit there with a smirk on your face.

Don't get me wrong; I don't give two hoots about these fools. If they want to put their lives at risk, I'm all for nature taking it's course. In fact, I quite like watching the raw Darwinian natural selection process in action. But don't make fun of your children or put animals at risk, you douche bag.