Kim Jong-Un's Candy Crush Addiction

I first started blogging back in medieval times.  My days were jammed packed with super fun jousting tournaments, battles with shiny fair dinkum swords, and much feasting on wild boar's heads through the fast food drive-through.  Oh the shenanigans, kids.  My first writings were - now try to follow this - NOT ON A COMPUTER.  Yep, not on a computer.  I used a thing called an actual diary.  I know, those were heady, biro-fuelled days.

Now flash forward to the 1990's - when it was still amusing to make 'now flash forward' jokes about time travelling in a Delorean circa Back to the Future - and I would write for days and days about all manner of important and meaningful things in my diaries.  Politics and philosophy mostly. 

I was cocky, young, impressionable and hopelessly naive that I could one day change the whole planet earth.  And I cared fairly deeply about the fate of the world until I reached approximately 23 years of age.  And now I am in the public sector, which is well-regarded for it's exemplary work at grinding one's dreams into the dirt. 

I swear to god I started this blog post with a point in mind, but I've gotten all distracted now with jousting and wild pigs.  Oh yes, Candy Crush; the ridiculously pointless smart phone game that wastes hours and hours of time that people could otherwise spend looking at I Can Haz Cheeseburger cats on Facebook. 

Hm, now who else wants to alter the world?  Looks like that delightfully sociopathic North Korean freakshow, Kim Jung-Un, wants to take a crack.  You know what America needs to do?  They need to get that little despot hopelessly addicted to Candy Crush like the rest of us, and then he'll have no time - NO TIME! - for his political re-landscaping.  Although the other thing it may encourage him to do is set off nukes in sets of three, so there's that.

Since the inception of my own personal addiction to this stupid game, I have noticed that it does nothing more than enable my borderline OCD.  123, 123, 123, 123.  And bad things do actually happen if you don't make it to the count of three.  You lose, mainly.  Must go; I have candy to blow up.

Bond goes Gaza

There's heaps of angry bird stuff going on in the world at the moment. For example, the Middle Earth terrorists are blowing up shit again, but it's going to be a-okay because Daniel Craig has got his Bond on and has negotiated a ceasefire, which will last for approximately two days. 

The mainstream media is reporting that the psychotically-challenged serial killers, Hamas, the charming Muslim Brotherhood outfit who control the Gaza Crispy Strip©, have agreed to stop bombing the crap out of poor old Israel because of a deal struck by Hillary(ous) Clinton, but we all know that 007 had something to do with it.  Have you not seen his movies, CNN?  You don't mess with Bond.

I haven't seen the new flick yet but I'm gonna guess that Bond, James Bond gets accosted by an angry pod of terrorists, the boss of which has been facially deformed by having his head shoved into a Magic Bullet blender, the Personal, Versatile Countertop Magician.  Or maybe he accidently watched the Magic Bullet infomercial on late night television and voluntarily stuck his face into the speeding chopping blades.

The terrorists, just for a new innovative script twist, want to annihilate Bond and his multi-million gazillion dollar, dirty, capitalist movie franchise and arrogantly possess the lofty goal of wanting to destroy the whole entire world, one Aston Martin at a time.  Then bang, bang, boom, boom, ouch, ahhh, blood, gross, baddies die or flee to an Adam Sandler movie. 

Then Bond gets all Petraeus-esque sidetracked by a non-English speaking, psychotic, nuclear scientist supermodel, nearly dies, and then sails into the distance on a yacht with a different bikini-clad femme fatale whorebag, because, after 25 or so films, the scriptwriters have never been able to come up with a new closing scene befitting a superspy.

Horses and Bayonets

I find it mind-boggling how many people get their political analysis from CNN without ever actually viewing the footage or reading any of the transcripts on whatever this media outlet’s incomparably inept journalists comment on. I don't take anyone's opinion on politics at face value, especially views that are held by CNN correspondents.

The reporters at CNN might pretend to meticulously scrutinise the presidential debate, and make shrewd, snippy notes of their observations, but then they sit on their glittery soundstage and deliberate for hours and hours and hours about the most inane drivel and discuss, at great length, just how stupendously amazing and sparkly the democratic candidate was, regardless of how that candidate performed.

This is called left wing bias and most of the media are guilty as charged. Spin it until it fits their narrative, which is to keep democrats in power in the White House.  No-one knows why the majority of the mainstream media are left wing.  It's all just a big mystery.

They want Barack Obama to stay in the top job, and they want Mitt Romney to go far, far away, and take his pesky logic, common sense and economic credentials with him. How the hell is a bungling incumbent president supposed to maintain the top gig if there is someone who is actually qualified for the job challenging him?

CNN are always, always, always on the Democrat's side, and they spend the rest of their time demonising Republicans.  This doesn’t change.  Ever.  They don't do balance.  There is no neutrality and there never will be.  If you are neutral at CNN you will be fired by the network by the end of the day.

But who cares, you say.  Well it matters, because there are a lot of people out there who only tune into  this stupid media outlet during election time and don't appreciate how the media influence the public agenda. And let's be clear; CNN tell you what to think. So don't let them hoodwink you; read the transcript and watch the debate for yourself.  Think for yourself.  CNN have an agenda and they want you to buy into it and vote appropriately.

And despite endless harping on about wanting the truth from their presidential candidates, many of the electorate really don't care that much about fact checking, and just take Obama’s side for reasons I cannot fathom.

Exhibit A. During the last Presidential Debate, incumbent Barack Obama mocked his opponent, Mitt Romney:

"You mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916. Well, Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets, because the nature of our military’s changed."

This 'horses and bayonets' exchange generated 105,000 tweets per minute on the debate hashtag. Why do people take Obama's word at face value, but think Mitt Romney lies through his teeth? This drives me crazy, because it's a fallacy. We know that Obama either was either fairly liberal with the truth in regards to this exchange, or, as Commander-in-Chief, he is hopelessly out of touch with the Defence Forces. How do we know this?

It turns out the marines use bayonets quite a bit, and horses are used to get around Afghanistan, as they are one of the easiest forms of transportation. I guess Obama's not as in touch with his military as he likes to proclaim. Although focusing on such a trivial point shows that Obama was a little desperate as he tried to deflect attention from the deaths in Benghazi in the foreign policy debate and any kind of questions whatsoever to do with the economy.

Blogger Grim

Sometimes I really feel like writing something on my exceptionally average blog, but I feel a crushing sense of blogger's block. Obviously it's not that grim, because words are being produced, but it's bothersome none the less. At these trying times, I try to think of the kids in the Horn of Africa. Because they don't even have access to Blogger.  The horror.  Settle down, I'm not mocking the Third World, I'm just a pragmatist.

If I had my way, there would be no leftwingers with any power or authority anywhere in the world - including key posts in the United Nations - as they are completely incapable of handling any international crisis due to their weak ideological dispositions and senseless decision making and, thus, there would be proper policies in place that would mean that no kid in the whole world would be without Blogger. Or food.  Maybe. Well I imagine the situation would be far less dire if we could just find a way to disband the hapless U.N.

And I can think of a whole bunch of world military leaders who just get in the way of anything decent and good, but the United States aren't allowed to 'take them out' because that would make the U.S. the bad guys, apparently. This is just part of The Wonderful World of Leftwing Logic.  When I say 'take them out', I don't mean on a date; I mean the other thing.

Speaking of the world's bad eggs, I note that renown psycho, Robert Mugabe, is dying, but unfortunately it didn't happen years ago in his prime killing days. But fortunately there is a front row seat waiting for him on the rollercoaster to hell. It's a very long front row.  Why have I been so preachy and self-righteous lately? FFS. And why am I blogging about hell and death and starving children and mass murderers? FFS. I am totally depressed now.

Osama's WAGS

Terrorists are a colossal pain in the arse to interrogate; what with their incessant whinging about the lack of internet access in Guantanamo which means they can't chat to their terror networks on Skype or update AnnihilateTheWest.com, and their outrage at the new rule that prohibits them from spending their days carving out a labyrinth of underground tunnels and escape routes with spades and shovels.  Did it not raise any eyebrows when local demand encouraged Bunnings to build a home improvement outlet in Gitmo?

The human rights lawyers, unemployed hippies, smug, self-righteous students and leftwing journalists who huddle around terrorists in their time of guilt need have a tendency to muddy the waters of public opinion, so it is often the case that these mass murderers are perceived by the public as simply innocent bystanders who were caught in the wrong desert at the wrong time. 

Sure, these guys were caught brandishing AK-47s in a terrorist training camp, but I think we have all found ourselves in that sticky situation from time to time.  Just ask David 'Traitor' Hicks.  Oh, that's right, now that he has a book out, he refuses to answer pertinent questions like, "are you ever going to give a satisfactory explanation for your presence in a terrorist training camp?"  Maybe Hicks is a camel.  Has anyone thought to ask him if he's a camel?  Because that would be a satisfactory explanation. 

And now with the Democrats in power in the United States, the officials at Gitmo are not allowed to use any of the techniques that enable them to get terrorists to spill the beans; like asking them questions that may hurt their feelings, may catch them out in a lie, or do anything that they would usually do when, you know, they are interrogating a dangerous terrorist who possesses information imperative to international security and/or the future stability of the west. But that’s okay, don’t push him; I guess he’ll just talk when he’s ready..

Without the use of interrogation techniques, it may as well be a job interview with an explosives company. The leftwing seem to think terrorists will open up to express their feelings of hatred and their plans for the next jihad on the west if they are simply offered a cup of hot cocoa and a milk arrowroot. They have zero concept of how these terror networks operate. And the terrorists know all too well that the western media are sympathetic to human rights, so they milk it for all its worth through their nutty support network in the west (see: human rights lawyers and the Fairfax media).

But just when you thought terrorists were difficult interviewees, spare a thought for the U.S. Government officials who have just questioned three terrorist WAGS; otherwise known as the Wives and More Wives of Osama bin Laden. These women were reportedly equally as charming and amicable in their demeanour as their dead husband was in his heyday. I can just imagine how the conversation went.

Government: “What do you know about bin Laden's future terrorist plots?”
Wife 1: “How dare you ask me any questions! You are all racist! I have human rights, you filthy American white boys! I hate you! Where's my human rights lawyer?!?!”, amid a whole bunch of shrieking and ranting. 

They were apparently hostile, which some sections of the media find surprising for some reason.  I wonder if they co-signed the letter Osama wrote expressing his desire to see President Obama assassinated.  If anyone in the world could be found guilty by association it should be this odious trio.  I guess they will get their comeuppance when they are forced to appear in a new television pilot; The Terrorist Wants a Wife.  Or maybe The Terrorist Blew up his Wife.  My feeling is they will want a six figure sum to do a series of The Real Housewives of Afghanistan.    

And now al Qaeda has gone all al Qaeda on the Middle East. Again. Not that they ever stopped. They've just seemed to have ramped up the suicide bombings.  If they want to blow each other up just let them go.  It saves America doing it.  I'm so tired of hearing about their civil war and general irrational crankypantsness.

Spooks and Extras

Movie extra opportunities in Canberra? There aren’t any, silly. Please try somewhere that makes movies and television shows. Like any city that is not in Australia.  Cities with more cultural type thingys, and fewer public servants. 

London has the awesome but extremely clichéd Spooks.  L.A. has everything, including the now defunct 24 and the brilliant Criminal Minds.  Canberra has Catalyst and Parliamentary Question Time. As far as I'm concerned, this lack of production of visual entertainment in Canberra is a ridiculous oversight, and indicates that our taxpayer dollars are being whittled away on programs that no-one cares about.

ABC: “We cater for minority groups and the millions of Catalyst fans spread all across the globe, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

Well guess what minority groups are watching, ABC?  Probably not the crap you serve up every night. (Disclaimer: this inference could be true; but it could also not be true). Well, okay, Spooks is on the ABC, but they only show that because it has intermittent subtitles, due to its recurring storyline that involves many actors who ramble on in broken Russian.  No-one really cares what subtitled quasi-Russians are saying – as long as they are tough and mean and look like they eat nails and human thumbs for breakfast.

I can't believe how much spooking they do on that show out in the open on the mean streets of Westminster.  The mean, mean, mean streets of Westminster.  It's anyone's guess how these spooks stay in one piece - what with all those bankers and politicians lurking about.  And why are the streets always deserted anyway? That NEVER happens in London. And there is no chance in hell of being able to fly through the traffic like they do without getting stuck behind a red double decker bus or two on Piccadilly. Get real. 

A friendly spook



Any why is there always some stupid woman hanging around an agent, making his day job very difficult with her incessant whining about their relationship and future together? Same goes for 24.  In his heyday, Jack Bauer had to suffer, along with the rest of us, as one severely stupid woman after the other threatened to derail his mission and completely jeopardise national security.

Anyway; extras.  I think if you want to be an extra in Canberra, it will have to be on Parliamentary Question Time. You could sit next to Julia, and read the newspaper or smoke a Cuban cigar.  Depends on what the script calls for really. 

I guess the key skills to bring to the role would be an ability to sit, stand, walk, laugh hysterically when nothing’s funny, sleep like no-one’s watching, glare with vigour, throw Molotov cocktails; you name it, you'd better be able to handle it.  I imagine it would also be fairly useful to practice some stunt work in your backyard too.  Perhaps some light commando rolling and diving across chairs and desks.  That sort of thing.  Then give the ABC a call.

There are some TV shows that you can participate in, however.  If you hold up an IGA and/or intimately involve yourself in a hostage situation, you will likely end up on WIN evening news; especially when it is time to shoot the court scenes. And then you'll be, like, totally famous.

Bonding with James

I have had an affinity with the James Bond genre, as I like to refer to it, since an early age.  Living in India in the very late seventies, I spent a fair bit of time bonding with James, as my mother used to take my sister and I to regular Bond screenings at the American Embassy in New Delhi.

I was always transfixed when the fictional British Secret Intelligence Service agent lit up the big screen. This probably had less to do with the plot, and more to do with the fact that television was a bit of a foreign concept in India back then, apart from the odd black and white episode of I Love Lucy, if you could manage to find the right channel on your telly.


I look tired cos I have been fighting terrorists

 Back in the day, I admired Bond’s strength, wisdom, and heroism, and delighted in watching him kick the crap out of the bad guys, time and again. I suppose I was a bit of a tomboy.

And even back then, I saw the Bond girls as talentless bimbos, and I remember pondering the point of them at all, and then working out they served as annoying distractions for Bond’s roving eye, and to provide a bit of suspense before he inevitably crushed the bad guys.

Bond is the longest running and most financially successful English-language movie franchise in history, having grossed about $12 billion at the box office. The Bond series is the spy genre. To quote a Bond movie power ballad (and the catchcry of the tawdry real estate agent, LJ Hooker); nobody does it better.

Bond knows that the only way to snatch power back from evil men who threaten to destabilise the free world is to kill them, then take their toys.

Bond has shown time and again that you save a country from destruction at the hands of bad actors with poorly Russian / Arab accents by killing them, taking away their nukes, making out with their chief nuclear scientist, who tends to look remarkably like a supermodel, and then explaining yourself to MI6. Situation handled. Sometimes Bond will simply dob in the baddies and then take their toys, but those movies are a little dull. Geez, we are lucky that Barack Obama doesn't get to write a Bond script. It would go like this:

James Bond travels to Iran to track down a psychotic mad man called…. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. (Wow, that name sounds familiar). Bond finds him, and learns that he is trying to sell nukes to (insert another insane Middle Eastern country), again.

The pesky and stupid U.S. President (obviously a Democrat, and obviously played by method actor Sean Penn) forces Bond to back off, by telling him we need to “negotiate” with the mad man, and that he isn’t crazy as such, he just wants to be hugged, and mad man was just kidding around when he said he wanted to annihilate the West.

By some incredible coincidence, this movie eerily resembles reality, when negotiations fail with said mad man, and the western world explodes into tiny pieces. The end.  The Bond genre is over, and we are all dead.  Not shaken, not stirred; just dead.  Yeah, thanks a bunch Barack – way to wipe out a franchise / the rational thinking portion of the human race.

How about you just stick to destroying the free world, and leave movie making to movie makers who have balls. Actually, it’s also preferable to have a President with balls, but we can’t have everything. If the international political arena were a Bond movie, the good guys would not be winning right now.

Right Royal Wedding

It’s time to stock up on tacky mugs, plates, tea towels and thimbles; there’s a right Royal Wedding on the 2011 calendar! In November last year, the family announced that Prince William will be marrying Kate Middleton, a commoner, on 29 April this year. Which happens to be a Friday, but I’m sure the various Commonwealth leaders and other distinguished guests can get their understudy’s to fill in for a few hours while they take their leave. Alternatively, someone could ask the Middle East to stop blowing up our soldiers until the weekend.

The wedding brouhaha is all a bit top secret at this stage. The last thing the Royals need is the Fleet Street hacks picking apart every wedding detail and creating pie graphs and flow charts to show how much money is being wasted on security and cream puffs, and which hapless Govvie estate should benefit instead.  I suppose it’s a bit presumptuous to say journalists can understand statistics.  It’s kind of a moot point anyway, because accuracy is not generally a priority for the tabloids.

Prince Charles has banned kitsch merchandise this time around, which is understandable considering the evidence from his own nuptials can still be found in most households throughout the Commonwealth. It doesn’t matter what the event is; mug commemoration is tacky. Charles knows this and wants more for his boy. Although, William is rather more aesthetically pleasing than his father was on his wedding day, and Kate is fortunate that she is not getting married in the eighties, a point she will appreciate in years to come when she is asked to autograph her face on millions of platters around the nation.

It’s anyone’s guess what Kate is going to wear. Hopefully it’ll be classic, elegant and bear no resemblance whatsoever to any of Vivienne Westwood’s creations. And I hope she doesn’t fancy any Aussie designers or we’ll never hear the end of it. The pressure on Team Kate’s hairdresser and make-up upperer will be immense, so I'm sure there will be professional counsellors on standby for any emergencies, armed with words of wisdom, extra-strength hair spray and handfuls of kohl pencils.

The quaintly named Bucklebury in Berkshire, Kate’s home town, has already been invaded by curious tourists and international media. Apparently the Americans have a particular fascination with Wills and Kate. The local folk in towns that breed celebrities never to cease to amaze me with their nonchalance and downright annoyance that people dare come to their village to snoop, never mind the fact their pesky visitors will likely invest back into the community. Bleed the tourists dry, you fools! They are Americans; they don’t understand currency that isn’t American.

The Buckleburites should be excited that anyone has taken an interest in their pokey little village, which is actually quite beautiful, but won’t be for long. Although some locals aren't fussed about all the fuss.

Local pig farmer, Julian Taylor, says “it won’t bother me; the tourists aren’t going to come to see the pig farm”.

Mr Taylor makes a valid point, but I disagree. As soon as the American tourists find where the hell Bucklebury is on the English A-Z, they’ll be all over the pig farm like a fat kid on a cupcake.

Jack Bauer - fighting tyranny since 2001

I'd just like to say that, despite the fact that he is fictional, Jack Bauer, played by Kiefer Sutherland, is awesome. Jack spent his television career fighting off all sorts of devilish criminals, from Islamic fundamentalists to Mexican drug lords to loose cannon, poker-playing Chechen militants with bad accents.

But by far, Jack's biggest opponents were often the left wing governments he worked for. Jack's show, '24', was produced by the Fox Network, traditionally a conservative news outlet, meaning they produce news that is fair and balanced, unlike CNN, who don't care terribly for facts and truth. And '24' was a pretty accurate summary of the international political environment - where the only way to deal with international terrorists is generally through a process of force and torture. Anyone who says this violates the human rights of terrorists needs to know this: you are an idiot.

Jack knew that terrorists aren't big on sitting around a table with a U.N. panel to discuss a fair and appropriate solution to their disagreements. Because a fair solution usually means the terrorists have to cede some of the power that they misuse, and start treating people with respect and dignity and stop using them for target practice, as human shields and for suicide missions. Terrorists much prefer blowing up the negotiating table, as Jack discovered in seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.

But instead of fighting the bad guys, Jack had to spend alot of his time trying to convince one stupid democratic president after another that his way was best. And of course, the Democrats always agreed that Jack's way was best AFTER the deaths of hundreds of people.

I really have no idea why the American people vote for Democrats to run the country in the first place. George Bush spent the first few years of his first term cleaning up the mess that Bill Clinton could have prevented while he was in office. In the 90s, Clinton was offered Osama Bin Laden's head on a platter by Sudan. He could have locked up the mass murderer and tossed away the key, but he didn't want to look like he was racially profiling, plus he was far too busy having sex in the oval office to worry about international terrorism.

'24' was axed in 2010, midway through it's 8th season. Fox believed the new producers were veering too far away from Jack's character, and because their stupid storylines involved Jack heading out to have tea and cookies with Islamic imans to apologise for offending them while he was defending the United States from destruction at the hands of their followers.

Defence recruits Summernats bogans

All the Queen’s Army and all the Queen’s men, are hiring Summernats bogans again. Ugh.

The Australian Army have been heading out to the annual Summernats car festival in Canberra for years in an attempt to woo some of Australia’s most trashy, yet car-savvy, young hooligans. Evidently, male bogan-filled environments are perfect breeding grounds for future Army recruits. Well it makes sense I suppose.

This year, the ADF wheeled in their aptly named, Armygeddon, to whip the boys into a testosterone-fuelled frenzy. I can’t decide if it’s a good thing or a bad thing to have these guys in charge of Army vehicles. I guess it’s a good way to turn them into real men – a bit of discipline, a bit of hard yakka and absolutely no access to weapons of any kind. Just so we’re clear - nobody’s giving them guns, right?

I do hope the Army keep an eye on their new bonehead recruits. War’s hard enough as it is; the last thing the Aussie troops need is a shipment of purple suped-up, turbo-charged V8 street machine tanks with stickers of women in bikinis on the side panels. What on earth would the upstanding citizens of the Taliban think? They would be forced to go and kill a bunch of innocent civilians because the West has, yet again, made them crankypants.

The Taliban and Summernats bogans have a lot in common when you think about it. They objectify women, love to burn oil and rubber, breed fear and anxiety on city streets, and a great number of people would be happy if we could just find a way to get rid of them for good.