Sugar how you get me so high

My brain and I have been in negotiations for some time now regarding our intake of sugar. We've held a series of closed-door meetings to discuss this weighty topic and have come to an agreement that we need to continue to think about it for a while longer before making any rash decisions that will take candy away from us.

Sugar is my cocaine. It is actually just another addictive white powder that is in its own way as deadly as cocaine. Furthermore, most people would probably snort it given half a chance.

The latest trendy and hip lifestyle choice thing to do is to quit the sugary goodness. All the experts tell us to do this, do that, sugar is bad, candy is the spawn of the devil; it's goes on and on. That's why the only expert you should listen to is Willy Wonka.

While I suppose it is probably very good for you to eat sugar, it just so happens to be quite impossible to quit, so if you do manage to pull it off your virtuous bragging rights go shooting into the stratosphere, where they spend their days orbiting the earth and mocking all the western people around the world who are addicted to lollies.

So how the hell do you quit sugar willingly? Unless you're Sarah Wilson, the self-proclaimed and very successful 'I quit sugar (and you didn't)' guru, it's the hardest thing in the world. Potentially eight times harder than nicotine, according to some close encounters of the sugar kind I've read on the interwebs.

All of this has been leading me to ponder the inevitable. If it's so darn difficult to quit, I imagine one would need to significantly alter one's circumstances for a time to get it right, right?

So here's a list of fun maybe sure-fire ways to quit sugar:

Become a instagram health guru.
Unless it's made of kale and beetroot, they are not allowed to eat it. Not even Caramello Koalas. Also, if you stop eating The Sugar you may just fit your entire bodyshape into the teeny weeny little square filter frames that Instagram forces you into, and that's everything.
 
Go on a hippie retreat.
On second thoughts, this is a terrible idea. While sugar acquittal may come just that bit easier at these places, the trade off is just not worth it. You will be massively brainwashed, forced to play acoustic guitars for a hobby or worse, for a living, and no-one likes that person.

Join the army.
Join the Australian Defence Forces and get deployed to a war zone. I don't know how this will help you quit sugar at all - I'm sure they have cake in the Taji military base in Iraq - but it sounds like a good place to burn it off.

Bury yourself.
Not in your work. Literally. Make sure you do this project with a reasonably trusted friend who owns a decent shovel.

Move to the bush.
Get out there! Eat only the contents of your veggie patch. This may be a problem if you, like me, are a seasoned and convicted vegetable murderer. I'm sure you'll be fine. Dirt tastes gross, but it's not sugar, so well done.

Go on a three hour tour like Gilligan.
Take a leisurely cruise forever on a dodgy rickety boat and be marooned on a deserted island in tropical, touristy far north Queensland. Make sure there are no Michel's Patisseries, or you'll ruin everything and be a failure forever.

Just drink wine
There is no sugar in wine. How dare you make these allegations. For those who need evidence, the fructose in the grapes is what ferments to become alcohol, leaving the finished product low in sugar. I heard this from someone who knows someone who know everything so proof.

Easter - the Chocolate Religion

It is the fairest - and my favouritest - season of them all, which involves four consecutive days where conventional thinking dictates that you will gorge yourself silly on hot cross buns and chocolate eggs, or you're simply not doing it right.

Who the hell knows how an animal with floppy ears and a basket of foiled chocolate eggs came to embody the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It’s one of life's many ambiguities that I don't care to question because I think everyone wins when the upshot is chocolate.

As it turns out, I do think about more than chocolate eggs at Easter time – it just seems like I’m shallow and one-dimensional. Although, if you do break the surface, you’ll find that your original suspicions about me were in fact correct, and there really is no need to delve any further or you’ll hit a sub-zero, infinite pit of nothingness.

So, Easter is also about other stuff apparently. I went to Sunday School when I was a wee bonnie nipper with a bunch of other kids, but I can't say that I ever go to church as an adult. I'd feel like a bit of a fraud; plus I don't understand any of the hymns and churches don't do reverse cycle air-conditioning so well and that doesn't really work for me.

I have my views on God, but you'll never hear me preach about it. It’s not because I’m being considerate of your beliefs; it’s most likely because I think you are beyond redemption, salvation or any sermon on morality. Um, no offence. 

I know a few people who are dedicated church goers, but it's ironic that the only people I know who fanatically preach - and are completely preoccupied - with religion are atheists. They always seem to be enraged about it. Tell someone who cares, atheists. Just let me eat my chocolate in peace.

The Pumpkin Effect

It’s the end of March already. What the frig? In the grand scheme of things – that being the pumpkin pie chart that is 2012 - we have eaten a slice that amounts to 25%, which makes us quite sated, happily plump and possibly on track for a bout of diabetes.

I’m glad you raised the matter of pumpkin pie, because it gives me a clear segue into my disdain for those people who think vegetables have an equal place in cakes alongside sugar, flour, butter and chocolate. Listen up people; vegetables do not belong in cakes, and their intrusion into the world of sweets has me very displeased.  I believe these people are suffering from the widespread Pumpkin Pie Effect. Vegetables don't seem to have any boundaries anymore.  They belong in roasts.  And garden beds.  Nowhere else, you hear? 

My cake rules are actually quite simple and straightforward, and I don’t really care for any variation to the regulations. All cake I consume must contain chocolate and, ideally, be 50% icing. Putting chilli or beetroot in my chocolate cake is an insult to my taste buds and simply pisses me off.  When it comes to cake, trying new things is for people who have not yet found their perfect match.  I have found mine. If you like it then you shoulda put a cake ring on it.