You Only Live Twice

I've been posting about the big J-Bondo a bit recently.  I'm not obsessed.  I'M NOT.  Although I have recently watched all of the Sean Connery era flicks again, because someone has lent them to me and they are not going to just watch themselves.

You Only Live Twice is one of the stupidest book/movie titles, because I’m pretty sure only about 60% of people get to live twice.  Although stupid titles are always a useful and credible red flag that indicates the ensuing book/movie is going to be shite as well, and this one is no exception.

But it's James Bond and it's Ian Fleming and it's... James Bond, so you just have to cut them some slack and play the hand you're dealt.  There are one thousand and fifty two things I thought were outright ridunkulous in this movie, and here are a few:

All the personnel on the rocket launching pad that was located in the inactive volcano were colour coordinated. Cute.  Speaking of teletubbies, Bond's Japanese ninja friends were all dressed in fifty shades of volcano crater grey, for obvious reasons, and came complete with bonus suction pads.  And it worked a treat, until it didn't, and they all died.  But they did blow a massive crater in the massive crater.

There are a lot of opportunities in life where you can wing it, but I'm pretty sure driving a space rocket is not one of them, James Bond.

The Japanese Bond girl gets about in a white bra and knickers for the majority of the flick but is suddenly and gratiously afforded a (buttonless) shirt by the wardrobe department when all hell breaks loose.  But she still doesn't have any pants.  I don't understand why they can never organise a budget for clothes for the Bond girl.

Later, in the crater, she loses her shirt that she spent all movie working towards, so she's back to her bra and knickers. No clothesure for her then. Bond movies should do a deal with Bonds undies.

At least Sean Connery relinquished his beloved baby blue terrytowelling shorts jumpsuit he so loved wearing in EVERY FILM for this particular movie.  And thank goodness the white boyleg shorts that he wore for nighttime deepsea scuba diving reconnaissance in Thunderball didn't make an appearance.  They were great camouflage under the flourescent light of the moon, and indeed their genius was magnified when combined with an orange leotard.  Yes, an orange leotard.

Thunderball is the movie where the fighter jet doubles as a submarine.  The Australia Defence Forces need to dump the Joint Strike Fighter program and focus on the acquisition of flying submarines.

In You Only Live Twice, Bond's crazy arse bad boy nemesis - who is relentlessly mocked in the Austin Powers flicks - has a nice and cosy base-of-a-volcanic-crater loungeroom made of slate, old lava and traditional volcanic floating floorboards, along with an artfully decorated pond full of piranha.  Like a boss.

Alas, the makers of Austin Powers didn’t really have to dig that deep.