Make Like Christopher Robin

About a year ago I subscribed to Discover Britain, a highly addictive heritage magazine that is best administered in minisculian doses or it will force one to pop over to the other side of The Planet Earth far more times in one year than one can possibly afford, unless you work for the Australian cricket team as Michael Clarke.

I've always had a predisposition to hit up the Mother Country.  I wasn't born there, I don't have one of their fancy schmancy passports bearing the crown jewels on the cover, and any ancestral connection that I have dates back to a bloody long time ago, ol' chap, but I lived there about 15 years ago, and that was enough to win one over.

I'm potentially going to Britain next year for my first time in many years.  I LOVE ENGLAND LOTS.  Can't explain it.  There are only about 22,000 things I want to do over there, so that's good.  You don't want to cram too much in.

Ireland is gonna make an appearance on the itinerary, which will be my first visit, as will lots of old castles, walls and rocks throughout the vacay.  It will be great craic.  Hmm, I suspect the Irish don't use that term at all.

I can't really be bothered writing any more, so I've thoughtfully compiled a list of very serious facts about the Old Blighty.  Some of these facts may not be altogether true and may merely be a product of my imagination.  That's the inherent fun/risk of my blog. 

This:

1. Elizabeth I was the first British monarch to have a fully-fitted flushing toilet.  Anyone with the number 1 after their name likes to be first at everything. So she was presumably the first person to do a number two.  Eww and eww.
2. Next year is Shakespeare's 450th birthday, so if he is still alive, Elvis style, the lucky duck will get four and a half telegrams from the Queen.  
3. Another William, the Conqueror, ordered his peasants to go to bed at eight o'clock every night.  Oh no he didn't!  Oh yes he did.  Presumably that was the time of the evening Eastenders finished in ye old Middle Ages, or whenever it was he ruled the roost.  And this is also presumably why he is often quoted to this day in newspapers like The Guardian as William the Bastard.
4. Another William, Prince William, is currently a little bit pregnant.  It's lucky then that pregnant people in Britain are allowed to relieve themselves anywhere, anytime.
5. Speaking of which, Winston Churchill was born in the ladies toilet during a dance.  Wait a minute... this sounds made-up...