Right Royal Sneakers

Last year I went on a virtual quest, conducting an extensive search on my journey to find new white sneakers. White sneakers were and remain stylish and très chic but also they just go with all of the things. If you can’t colour match your ball gown or bridesmaid dress to the same shade of white as your sneakers you need some emergency stylin’ counsellin’ and perhaps also some holistic alternative fashun therapy.

So in the absence of a drive through carwash style arrangement for shoes in my city, I turned to Youtube to help me, sure that I was going to have to Do It Yourself, by myself.

During my deep dive, through the internet of shoe things, I noted the Duchess of Cambridge’s whitesneakers, that she wears to ramble through drenched paddocks in Kent in England to provide a social call to Girl Scouts, and on never-ending ramblings in the torrential rain on the hustings on golf courses in St Andrews – if there is even the hint of an involvement of walkies or amblings on her itinerary, she will throw on her white sneakers.

I thought surely they must be comfy little buggers, although probably also retail for as much as a small two bedroom apartment in Bondi. But crucially, they never seem to look tainted with dirt or stains, which is just a big positive in shoes and also in life.

So I googled ‘Kate’s white sneakers’ and was introduced to the idyllic world of Superga. And, as it turned out, Kate’s shoes were available at the shopping centre across the road from where I live, and were on jumbo sale, and only cost as much as a one bedroom apartment in Bondi. Half an hour later, I had Kate’s white Supergas. Life’s opportunities were about to go stratospheric! I tear up a bit every time I tell that beautiful, heart-warming story of when we first met.

Six months down the track, the Supergas have been an outstanding investment, apart from two of the key components of outstanding investments being earning me an income or appreciating in value. Look, they have intrinsic value.

They also recently needed a deep clean, sullied by their hard life on the streets. Like many owners of hardworking 4WD vehicles who live in the city, these sneakers have not seen a paddock in their whole life.

So unwisely overlooking the fact they were leather, I put them in the washing machine, where they astonishingly survived my unintentional attempt to cause them grievous bodily harm. I am out on bail, but am expecting to be charged with attempted murder, punishable by a life sentence of cleaning Supergas with a toothbrush.

As it turns out, I do not recommend putting white leather Supergas in the washing machine. While they had the ride of their life, one they will not forget, it really did not do the trick at all for spruiking them up. They were still scuffed, and the laces were still stained black from the metal eyelets. It turns out my Supergas are not like regal Supergas.

While Youtube can be weird for providing you with maintenance advice, Jiff and a toothbrush is the help I unequivocally decided to go with. As it turned out, I didn’t have any Jiff, so I went in with a multi-purpose cleaner and a suitcase of hope and dreams. And it worked!

But the cleaning process took just about all day, on and off, and then they had to air dry, because I put them in the dryer and that sounded like I had abducted a small person and jammed them in for a quick 30 minute spin cycle. If that ever transpires - just know - all my neighbours think I’m normal and quiet and they would “never have expected that she would put a small person in the dryer, let alone of a pair of leather Supergas”.

I’m now left to ponder whether the Duchess of Cambridge does not have an enviable mass of officers to tend to her every Supergas cleansing whim, punishable by an hour on spin cycle if they refuse the assignment.

 

Maniacal murderous 'safety' pins

One hasn't blogged for a while, and the content created in this post may indicate why that's possibly a good thing.  Safety pins.  Bloody safety pins.  Has a safety pin ever provided you safety, as indicated in the name of the twisted, screwed-up spring-loaded piece of metallic engineering?  No.  Because safety pins don't really do safety, do they?  They create chaos, mayhem and bloodspats everywhere they go. Stupid little pricks, they are; literally.

While the safety clasp is presumably supposed to protect you from experiencing a painful blood-soaked demise, it rarely does that. You may as well hold clothes and shit together with barbed wire and just brace yourself for the puncture wounds.

Come at me bitches.

I've been stabbed many, many times and been left for dead at least three times by so-called safety pins.  Fortunately I had a bandaid on hand on each occasion.

And why is it that they automatically friggin' ping open as soon as you start waving your hand through your handbag looking for stuff that has nothing to do with them?  Perhaps they should be renamed perilous pins so people new to earth know what they are getting themselves into.

And do you people really think you're safe from embarrassing moments when you pin a hem with a safety pin?  Someone always notices a safety pin on your clothes - which is a given as they are silver and shimmery - and they will also always loudly tell you that they can see it.

The humble safety pin has a long and exciting history, probably, but who cares about that.  Apparently they were invented by some dude in Bronze Age Ancient Greece who presumably didn't have access to the internet for something better to do with his time.

Safety pins actually achieved a mediocre level of fame a few years ago when Hugh Grant's girlfriend, Liz Hurley, decided to use humongous ones to hold her skankypants Versace little black number together, at which point we should have named them tart pins.

At the end of the day, I'm just pissed off that I didn't invent them.

Your helpful Westfield updates – Voting and SANTA-20

Is there anything that screams western democratic values and ideals more than an election polling station in a Westfield shopping centre.

Yep, there's been a polling booth in Westfield Woden in Canberra. The boffins who are the boss of all things elections have obviously decided that the best way to bring liberty, equality and justice to the populace (and make them vote RIGHT NOW for the local election and circumvent COVID-19 germs) was to take the voting to the people - deep in the heart of Big W territory.

And mere steps away from the symbolic centre, the heart of Westfield, the holy grail, the iconic statue representing humanity’s march forward towards greater understanding and compassion towards overheads and rectangular plastic cards used by financial institutions – the pay parking station. 

Read the commemorative plaque if you don't believe me; it's next to the 'Insert ticket here' slot.

The polling booth stands in the shopfront that was previously tenanted by Ishka, a chichi Australian company that claims to have a "deep respect for village communities” and sells “ethically sourced furniture”. 

No wood was harmed in the manufacturing process of the furniture, except for the trees from a village community that were chopped down and therefore died at the hands of a chainsaw or some other type of tree-killing machinery just so you could have a coffee table. 

Indeed, nothing says respect for mother earth more than a shopfront in a Westfield, whose global assets are in the range of AUD$63 billion.

At the polling booth store, you have to hand sanitise - a la all COVID-era, COVIDSafe entry points - and then state that you’re not a robot to an official who has had quite a long shift already thankyou voters and ironically resembles a robot, but then it’s all electronic smooth sailing baby and it takes about three seconds and you can do it while you’re going about your other life business so I approve. Next they’ll have a sausage sizzle in the food court. Someone please make that happen. 

Another thing happening at Westfield this year is Santa Claus. I mean, he happens every year, but SANTA-20 will be a little different.

I’ve always wondered how happy Santa really is at Christmas at Westfield, with children crawling all over his jolly rotund belly and screaming into his ear drums. There’s got to be an easier way to earn a gingerbread man crust, he probably thinks every damn year. I get the feeling he’d rather be sitting on a tree stump in a Lapland forest surrounded by reindeer shit.  

Well, this year, Santa doesn’t have to handle the children. No children allowed near Santa spreading their screaming, shouting or pathogens. No sitting on laps. There will be no lapland this year. It’s a socially distanced Santa Claus.

Families or individuals have to sit away from Santa, separated by props of elves and oversized candy canes and presumably other Christmas related things like snow covered hills, a ski resort, a forest of trees, and a vast subarctic wilderness if Santa has any say in it. Westfield say it’s ‘making Christmas merrier’. Yeah, just the way Santa likes it. 

Every kid gets a free reindeer headband, presumably after they just take a quick COVID-19 PCR test. Just kidding, Westfield, don't sue me. Why would Westfield hand out free headbands. Just kidding, there is nothing on Westfield's website to indicate they are testing kids for COVID, but this is now and that is December and two months is a very long time in 2020.

It is my understanding that Santa has been granted a travel exemption to bring his herde of marauding wildebeest into Australia, which is more than anyone except Tom Hanks and Shane Warne and Tony Abbott and Lord Sugar and Nicole Kidman has received this year. I wonder what it’ll be like stuck in a hotel room in the Stamford Plaza with a bunch of reindeer for 14 days.

Abandoned vegetales

According to an eyewitness account, someone has recklessly abandoned their health today, after vegetables (pictured) were found strewn on the side of a path.

Chucked in wild abandonment, until someone placed them neatly on a ledge, and bound and gagged them, like some sort of confused serial killer copycat deconstructing the scene of a crime. 

How did this all come about, I hear you cry out, desperate for more information. Was the planned meal abandoned due to poor cooking conditions? Was it lack of cooking ability? Was it forsaken, cast aside for a prepared meal from Uber Eats? Maybe the carry bag was sinking fast and the vegetables decided to jump ship? 

Or is because it’s celery, which deserves to be strewn on a street. We’ll just never know. Because the eyewitness wasn’t so witness-y after all. 

As an Enquiry and, more importantly, an Inquiry, is launched into why there has been a significant increase in vegetables being strewn all over the place on this path and how to prevent it in the future, the fate of the vegetables in question hangs in the balance, and their future is most certainly unclear.
 
What is known, however, is that they are currently wilting in the sun. If it’s any consolation, the vegetables had very few loved ones.

My Little Bogan

Last year I bought a Holden - one of Australia's iconic automobiles from the marque manufacturer (well, it is until 2021). I affectionately refer to it as My Little Bogan. 

I always knew that My Little Bogan had a racy past life, as it has sports seats, displayed racing car livery down its side when I bought it, and was surrounded by fumes and sweaty men to represent the smell/presence of a pit lane. But I stripped it of those stickers, smells and sweaty people - thus its entire personality - because I'm a monster.

Anyway, since I bought My Little Bogan, it's had a relatively dull life. I walk to work so the only time it gets to hoon is on the weekend when we go round and round the block a thousand times and only stop when someone raises a black and white striped flag at us and sometimes that doesn't happen at all believe it or not.

But today, a strange thing happened when I was driving home from undertaking one of the most average tasks you can ever honestly endure; visiting my local supermarket to purchase a range of fresh and preserved produce, traditionally known as grocery shopping. 

Laden with my goods, I was sitting at the lights, minding my own business, as much as I ever mind my own business, waiting for my right turn. But as I took off My Little Bogan decided to go full Holden.

Before I knew it, the back wheels were spinning considerably more than the front wheels were spinning in some sort of wheel spin and then the front ones locked. I think it's called a burnout. I did a burnout; in what can only be described as in an 'aggressive manner'. 

I didn't mean to do a burnout. I couldn't do it again if I tried, honest. It stopped at soon as it started which was a good outcome for everyone given there's a police station sitting on that corner. It was very embarassing but I don't think anyone noticed to be honest.

When I got home I had a good, hard brief glance through my Holden manual to see if there is perhaps a hidden button on my dashboard labelled the 'Bathurst 1000'. It turns out no. Okay, maybe a special feature was added to my car on purchase but I feel like I would have remembered that conversation with the car folks, I am fairly certain.

I can certainly relate if My Little Bogan wanted to live it's best Holden life. Yeah Bathurst! Evidently, Bathurst's first turn is a ninety-degree left-hander called Hell Corner, so fairly similar to what you'd find at your standard set of traffic lights. And then there's Mountain Straight, described as a gentle climb where you can reach speeds of 255 km/h, which really wouldn't be ideal at the traffic lights because the next building is the aforementioned police station and that's not how law-abiding behaviour works I'm pretty sure.

Now My Little Bogan has been unleashed, rather more angrily than necessary, this is most definitely a recipe for disaster, so I shall endeavour to tame the beast. I will (I won't).

Vodafone and TPG - Consciously coupled.

It's official! Vodafone and TPG have consciously coupled and will now be happily ever after.

All The Courts in Australia it seems have given their seal of approval for the two-year romance between telecoms Vodafone and TPG to endure, flourish and now merge. Mergers are in the air, everywhere I look around.

The telco lovebirds have finally been allowed to become one entity, combining their sizable assets and market shares in all of the telecoms things and they have also fairly optimistically opened a joint bank account despite TPG’s addiction to buying expensive shoes using AfterPay.

And the early winners will be Canberra and Melbourne, who will receive a 20% capacity increase, and we do not hate it.

The couple had a rocky road through their courtship, with regulatory hurdles thrown at them from every direction. But their relationship endured.

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission had opposed the merger because it said it would negatively affect competition and cause a hike in consumer prices in Australia, but the Court said “they’re in love and it’s not about money so let the kids be”, or something to that effect.

The lovey dovey telecoms market disruptors have exchanged cards, bought each other flowers, watched a romantic film together and finally consciously coupled, in a $15 billion merger deal that will mean they can feasibly afford childcare for their future baby telecomms networks for more than one day a week, but no more than two days a week probably because that care is a luxury.

Exactly who is the gold digger in this arrangement is yet to be seen, because they are both completely loaded but what we do know is it’s a telecoms combo we never knew we needed and are still not sure we need to be honest.

The new powerhouse dynamic duo are now free to give the other Australian market dominators - Telstra and Optus - a run for their money in the 5G landscape (maybe not sure I haven't read the rules that closely) but then, like Harry and Meghan, they will probably ‘work to become finally independent’ from the telecoms industry because THERE’S JUST NO PRIVACY! being filthy rich, and instead become Instagram influencers in a field in which they have absolutely no proficiency, like maybe selling vitamins tablets or something.

All that's left now is for them to roll out a baby 5G mobile network. Baby names are still up in the air, but Huawei is not on the list, I'm fairly certain.

Why so Cirrus?

Local cloud, Gary Smith

A cloud has responded to reports that he doesn’t know what he’s doing when he forms and dissipates all day.

Local cloud, Gary Smith, says the public try and predict his behaviour all the time and whinge, sometimes even to his face, when he comes into view. But he says he is just misunderstood.

“We arrive, we rain on you, we disappear; that’s just we do. When I was growing up I wanted to be a thunderstorm, or I could have been a hurricane if I applied myself, but sometimes you just need to stick to a solid, steady income to make ends meet”, he said, as he struggled to stay in one spot without the wind blowing him away.

Cloud Gary reads reports and forecasts about his behaviour but says it’s mostly fake news, “I read an online weather report this morning that gave me a 95% chance of clouding over the sky, but I’m unpredictable, man. The weatherpeople on the media rarely know what they're talking about”, Gary said, before waving two fingers in front of his mouth to summons a pink fluffy cloud to prove his point, just like Monkey in the 1980s TV series Monkey.

He also questions the validity of people who make a living talking about weather all day. “I mean, I know I’m part of the natural phenomenon process, but don’t you think a weatherperson is a job created by media to give boring people something to talk about on camera”. 

Human Dick Jones doesn’t like clouds, saying “when they finally eff off, it’s a very nice day!” 

Cloud Gary agrees, saying “the feeling is mutual; this is something humans and clouds have in common”, adding that he’s not the biggest fan of humans either. “I always hear they want me to make them a silver lining or something, like I’ve nothing better to do all day than create some sort of positive aspect over their shitful existence”.

Test Cricket - Australia vs the Hobbitses

 Some hobbitses fighting over the precious.

The New Zealand cricket team and its fans have taken a well earned break from sheep shearing, wine guzzling and Lord of the Rings ‘hobbitses’ role-playing to pop over to the Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG) to play some good ol’ fashioned proper sport that doesn't involve sheep, wine or hobbits.

This is the second Test in a trilogy of fantasy matches featuring these gnome-like hobbits battling evil warlords (the Australians, stay with me) for control of a magical place called the MCG.

As it turns out, the newly designed activity program for hobbitses at the MCG does in fact allow for all of the important leisure pursuits that New Zealanders enjoy.

The MCG Fun Curators have decided that fans should no longer have to choose between attending a Test Cricket match or maintaining basic hygiene standards, because now the MCG offers a barber service.

It is not clear whether it is for sheep and hobbits as well, but I saw a human-ish looking man in the barber chair having his sheep-like beard tended to, so he could sit back and watch the match in the blazing Melbourne sun/wind/rain/hurricane (depending on the time of day you choose for your manscaping). This is the new cricket. This is men living their best lives. It’s a great time for sheep shearing hobbitses to be alive.

The MCG has stepped up big time his year. There are a variety of goods and services on offer at the ground that you wouldn’t normally expect from a day at the cricket. You can get a shave, get a haircut, shear some sheep, indulge in some fush and chips, play some rugby probably and do some Haka, I don’t really know. Nevertheless, exhausting day!

Credit to the boys, the creative types at the MCG, they really are making the Fushy Chaps (my nickname for the drunk New Zealand larrakins who made their way across the fishy ditch to the Test) feel right at home. The Chaps are loud, and singsongy. Never mind ’alcohol free areas’; I’d need a New Zealander free area.

Where do we even draw the line with spectator entertainment at stadiums these days? I’ve got no idea, but I also have an idea, Cricket Australia. How about Pay to Play, where for a few hundred quid (going to charity) you get to field for Australia for 5 minutes? I didn’t say it was a good idea. I’m sure the Australian captain Tim Paine would more than welcome a drunkard twit running around his outfield tripping over their hobbit feet. Stupid hobbitses.

The Australian captain has been awfully perplexed lately at the Umpire Decision Reviewing System, the DRS, and rightly so. To be fair, the meaning of the acronym DRS should change with each ref decision. For example, Didn’t Really See, Dat Ref Shite, Didn't Review Shite. The reviewing system needs a systemic review.

Anyways, it’s looking like a win for the Aussies. We wants it, we needs it.

Happy Black Cat Day

It's Chat Noir Day! Black cats across the nation are looking forward to scaring the bejesus out of everyone who comes across their path today, Friday the 13th.

Local tabby cat, Jim Cumberbatch, said “it puts people into a clusterf**k of hysteria and panic when they see a black cat on Friday the 13th and I do not hate it. The only time it’s unlucky to see a black cat is when you’re a mouse.  You humans need to grow some furballs”.

"That's going to be my schtick this Friday 13th. While black cats are comparatively dull and boring to more interesting textured and colourful felines like myself, they nail the scary stuff", Mr Cumberbatch said.

When advised that he wasn’t a black cat and was, henceforth, not that scary, Mr Cumberbatch was non-puss-ed. “I’ve got my onesie costume ready. Imagine this with a black onesie on”, before catapulting himself off his roof onto a reporter’s head, in what can only be described as an aggressive manner. “If I throw in a bit of eye contact stare and borrow my tradie mate Bryan’s ladder, they lose their friggin’ minds”.

When asked if he was bothered by praying on all the paraskevidekatriaphobic’s out there, Mr Cumberbatch said “I’m a cat, I don’t speak French I’m fairly certain”.

Before adding, “as if humans can’t get any more stupid, they get scared of a black 25cm high four-legged animal, which is kind of racist, and then develop some weird  fear of Friday the 13th, a fear of the number 13, and a fear of the friggin’ Norse goddess after whom Friday is named, who was coincidentally called Frigg. I’m not the main perpetrator here”.

When Louis (Vuitton) met Tiffany (& Co)

In a pairing reminiscent of that time when Harry met Sally, Louis Vuitton has just shamelessly, without caring about who was even watching, assumed a take over of Tiffany &a Co.

Looks like Louis is really going to have to up its game on Etsy - The Internets premier location for handmade or vintage crafty things. They'll be no more of those handstitched cheap canvas bags or velcro wallets they're always trying to flog on the online markets; no, they're in the big league now. Time to step up their game, because Tiffany is FANCY.

Although, just because Tiffany is a leader in the luxury jewellery market with its high-end products and its trademark Tiffany Blue coloured boxes, it doesn't make its name any less trashy. 

Tiffany sounds like the type of brand that grew up in a dubious part of town, conceivably in a trailer park neighbourhood, and worked at the local Taco Bell until it was 17, when it all started to sour and it began dancing at a ‘gentleman’s club’ to support itself through its cocaine habit. 

It definitely sounds like the type of company that could be bought. For whatever price you offer it. And, as it turns out, Louis Vuitton decided to offer it a lot of money. Lots of dollar bills were placed in its blingy diamond g-string. 23 billion dollar bills, in fact. That calls for one hell of a designer g-string with a lot of give.

Anyway, throughout the years, Tiffany has overcome its tragic backstory (aka the one about living in the real world with the rest of us) and has gone on to make an average annual revenue of AUD$4 billion, so its managing to get by in life in that 'one percenter' jungle it inhabits. 

But now, even though it’s known around the world for its bejazzled bracelets, pretty boxes and blingy diamond g-strings (just kidding, made this one up, don't sue me Tiffany & Co; but it's not a bad idea, no?), it’s just hooked up with a guy called Louis. 

Louis is likely to completely defile Tiffany’s reputation with its tawdry French personality and ruin the beautiful trademark Tiffany turquoisey bluey green with its horrid trademark poo shades.

Louis has significant material wealth, with annual revenue at AUD$74 billion in 2018, enough to keep Tiffany off the high streets and in the luxury retail establishments to which it is most accustomed, so I presume Tiffany isn't doing this for love.  

"I have enough diamonds", said Tiffany never.

Government House Open Day

This Saturday, Government House in Canberra is throwing open it's doors to visitors, when you peasants can pop along - for free! - and have a stomp (elegantly and quietly please thankyou) around the residence, including the over 100 acres of manicured lawn. 

By tomorrow, the garden’s cuticles will be trimmed and it's nails will be shaped and coated with all the shades of the colours of the Union Jack.

During the day, you’ll have the opportunity to chat to the new Governor-General of Australia, General David Hurley, and maybe his... wife (sorry, lazy journalism...Mrs Hurley?), as they go about their laundry, pre-prepare meals for the week ahead, and watch ‘Escape to the Country’ on Foxtel while they iron shirts and sheets in one of the many stately rooms. It’ll be much like your Saturday afternoon, only in the presence of rich people in splendid surroundings.

Government House is Canberra’s home-away-from-palace for the British Royals when they come to town, and they open their doors twice a year to us! And this year - our two world’s collide! -  as I’ve finally remember to check ‘what’s on in Canberra at Government House’ ahead of time.

But first, a lesson on the GG home's history (stay awake; I’ll make it fun for everyone. Or jump ahead a few paragraphs, but I’ll forever KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST PARAGRAPH). The original brick building of Government House was built in 1899, and included a substantial wooden shearing shed to house the owner’s numerous flocks of pet sheep. Everyone needs a hobby.

It's beautiful, innit?

In 1913, the owner decided to sell it via an early version of the All Homes property website and, by sheer coincidence, the Commonwealth Government had been scanning All Homes every chance they could get, looking for a former sheep shed to use as a temporary residence for the Governor-General of Australia that'll look good in photos for the 'gram. That's a telegram; not Instagram. 

I guess the GG is still there, so in the last 100 or so years they decided to do a renovation rescue rather than sell. Good decision, because it’s the best-looking spot in Canberra.

If this was ‘Escape to the Country’, Government House would be the mystery house that no-one asked to see because it’s about 18 million quid outside their budget. And that’s pretty much what we’ll be doing on Saturday.

If there is a Suggestion Box at the royal abode, I shall be suggesting that they cordon off an acre or two for a new Yarralumla dogpark because, how pretty is it!

TV REVIEW: I watched Midsomer Murders

I love a good old fashioned depraved murder as much as the next guy with a cold heart and a television remote. 

British old-school television show Midsomer Murders really sets the gold standard for people killing off other people in spectacularly perverse and unrealistic ways.  

And there's none of that new world Netflix business where you have to guess the plot because the TV show title is just a bit too clever. There gonna be murders in Midsomer.

There is something about a quaint little chocolate box village that has a tendency for murdering just about everybody who walks its cobblestones.

And as in all loosely based detective narratives, never in the history of the township of Midsomer has anyone ever linked any murder to the one that happened on the show just last week, or the week before that. They are all completely unrelated obviously and why would you even question that?

Here are some of my thought bubbles as dastardly events took place:

• Detective Chief Inspector (DCI) Barnaby, the superstar super-detective super detective chief inspector of the show, seems to stay cheery despite the fact his beat is full of innovative sociopaths.

• DCI Barnaby spends much of his shift being accosted by little old ladies who like to spill all the sordid, scandalous personal secrets of the villagers. Which are invariably not relevant to any case he’s working on, but are quite useful for a mental filing of every villager into some sort of alphabetical list of nutters. 

• There's that guy in a hoodie who's been watching him in every scene of this episode. This time he's hiding in the bushes. Now he's on the run. DCI decides to chase him into an abandoned, dilapidated building, still not having called for backup. I'm sure the guy’s harmless.

• It's an old boarded up house and the music is getting a bit hair-raising. DCI Barnaby goes in. Sorry, false alarm, nobody got murdered here.

• This new guy has intricately detailed appointments in his diary apart from this mysterious one that seems to coincide with the time of murder. I'm sure it was a legit appointment. DCI decides there's no need to check it out any further.

• DCI Barnaby returns to the crime scene at night by himself for no apparent reason. A man with no apparent reason to be there yells at him "what the hell are you doing here. You shouldn't have come back". DCI leaves the area. There was no reason to further question the crazy man, apparently. Pretty sure cops would find him a person of interest. What's the point of this scene? As an armchair crime-solving enthusiast, it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to weed out the killer/s from all the village nutters.

• By my count, 180 people have being murdered so far in this episode.

Midsomer Murders is based on the real-life village of Midsomer Norton, a cutesy township in Somerset, England, not far from Bath, which is so named because it was quite popular amongst the Romans as the place to conduct their annual cleansing of the body.

Land owners in Somerset should consider themselves lucky they didn’t call their bathing spots jacuzzis.

The writer of Midsomer Murders found Midsomer Norton on a map and thought it sounded quintessentially British and sufficiently murderous. Is Midsomer Norton really like its television twin? 

Well, the crime stats of the real village indicate a boringly average amount of crime occurring in the township, with anti-social behaviour the most prevalent type of criminal activity. 

I’m a little hazy on the actual definition of murder, but I imagine it is certainly a fairly anti-social thing to do, so it may be more similar than we think.

I actually visited Midsomer Norton in July 2014. We were travelling through Somerset, mainly to attend the lovely city of Bath, and our hotel was a couple of miles from Midsomer Norton.

By some extraordinary stroke of luck, we were not murdered or even attacked by anti-social behaviour while walking the mean cobblestones of the pretty high street to get to Sainsburys in Midsomer, but there’s always next episode.

Surviving Disneyland

Let me tell you a story. Don’t worry, it’s not a long story. 

So I've recently had a holiday in an overseas destination type of situation.

It was a brutal, exhausting two-week adventure in a wild and really quite dangerous place. We had no tour guide, and no survival guide. 

It was fraught - FRAUGHT! - with danger. Man versus the wild in a treacherous habitat.

It’s widely known by just about everyone who know things that humans aren’t built to live in a jungle. 

We haven’t adapted; we’re artificial animals who live in artificial environments constructed by humans. 

We are suburban, not survival. We are vegemite, not vegetation. We are Instagram, not moist forest. That’s right; I don’t camp.

So, it was just us, the merciless terrain and the unpredictable locals.

Always on guard for a herd of charging wildebeest.

Man versus nature. You get the picture. In fact, other than the app that is designed to help you get around, we were on our own in Disneyland. It was Borneo with minnie mouse ears.

Fortunately, people have died in jungles before, so we can use their mistakes as a guide. 

Here are five helpful ways to increase your chances of survival in the jungle Disneyland:

STOP, THINK, OBSERVE, PLAN
Make sure you orient yourself with any landmarks you remember, like an exceptionally annoying group of stationary tourists. Look for evidence of the direction you came from, such as fairly obvious signs saying ‘you are here’, and walk in the direction the least amount of tourists are going.

Alternatively, pick up a map of Disneyland as you enter the park.

If you do get lost - S.T.O.P - Stop, think, observe, plan. This is also a really useful tip if you don’t want to walk 358 kilometres a day and prefer to map things out at the get-go. 

If you strategise correctly using Disneyland’s fast pass system, you can see nearly everything in a day. It was designed for people who don’t want to spend 90 minutes queueing with toddlers. But you have to arrive early and leave late. 

And like all jungles that I’ve ever heard of, the wildlife is quiet first thing in the morning and then again late at night, except for all the nocturnal animals who will kill you on sight first thing in the morning or late at night. 

Wild cats everywhere.

Try your best not to panic when you find yourself in such a survival situation. 

Fortunately, the bossy Disneyland ushers have got your back. They will guide you to the direction of one-way predators only so you will at least be touristed to death heading in the correct direction.

GETTING FOOD
Speaking of predators, the jungle is full of things that want to kill you. Look at Borneo. 

Well, I don’t know anything about the jungle in Borneo actually but I imagine it’s dangerous as heck. 

The other things that want to kill you is the food. Whatever you do, do not eat the food at Disneyland. I mean, don’t eat all the food. That’s what the locals do. 

They eat all the turkey legs, all the gumbo, all the almond butter ice cream, all the churros, all the mac and cheese off the enticing mac and cheese trees, all the time, and then wonder why they can’t run away from the predators. 

(Note: USA, not everything needs to taste like sugar.)

FOLLOW ANIMAL TRAILS
Look for obvious animal trails that are heading in the same direction as you and follow them to try and find a water source. 

Unfortunately, Mickey, Minnie and Pluto travel around the jungle daily with an enormous entourage of hired help so I’m pretty sure they have security on speed dial. They are important jungle animals. 

You’ll be slapped with an AVO before you can say MICKEYMOUSE if you follow the trails of their oversized cartoon feet. You ain’t getting to that water source any time soon.

FOLLOW ANIMAL POOP
Which is quite gross, but I guess it works. In a normal jungle. 

That's a long way.

A Disneyland cleaner called Chester came out of nowhere with magic Disney paper towels and quick solutions when I accidentally filled my bag with water via a leaking water bottle and blocked a busy thoroughfare near the ironically named Adventureland, so I don’t like your chances of following animal poop.

Disneyland don't do dirt. Or cigarette butts on the ground.  Or tourists blocking thoroughfares.

I’m sure no-one was watching on closed-circuit cameras; it was just a massive coincidence that a pop-up cleaner came out of nowhere.

Cue sad violins and all the sad emoticons to illustrate all my sad feels of that sad time when my iPhone had to swim for its life.

GET WATER
See above. I guess I die in this jungle story. Was never any good at choose your own adventure.

FIND SHELTER
Well, great, but Brand Disneyland don’t really do shelter. Sorry.

You’ll be queueing exposed for a minimum thirty minutes in a hazardous 100 degrees, listening to monotonous brain-spasming catchy Disney tunes, to ride the Haunted Mansion, surrounded by beautiful shady trees that you are not allowed to huddle under because they are fenced off and for attraction aesthetics only, so sweat it out friend.

This is likely to cause problems or to have adverse consequences to your day so I would strongly recommend you bring your own tree.

After all the days at the all-American cheese factory that is Disneyland, I kinda feel like the little mouse has burrowed into my brain and left his ears logo etched onto my amygdala.

How the hell did I survive Disneyland? We'll never know. It's the magic of Disney.

You need a lot of stamina to get through 10 days at that place (yes, 10 days, sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I thought you’d judge).

It’s a brilliant business model. Market your company as the happiest place on earth and then people will desperately want to return, even though their pockets are being drained and they become devoid of anything resembling sanity.

It’s the land of ridiculous, impractical fairytale fantasies and forces you to suspend your IRL for days on end and what's wrong with that.

Can’t wait to go back.

Am I too old to be going through a Star Wars thing?

Amazeballs album - Dark Side of the Death Star

I very recently watched a Star Wars flick again and now I'm freshly obsessed. Which was a goal in fact because next week I am going to the Galaxy's Edge, Disneyland's brand spanking new land made of stormtroopers and death stars, which are the prettiest most sparkly stars around.

The new land is called Batuu. It's a remote outpost planet on the edge of the galaxy and is the last stop before you hit wild space. I'm fairly certain none of this is based on rigorous study and experiment and is solely Disney Physics but that's okay because they had me at the first sod of dirt that was turned.

I'm hoping the Disney Imagineers have managed to evoke The Force, because I quite like the idea of getting what I want in life simply by concentrating hard enough. How lovely. I'll have All The Things, please.

Surprisingly, many people have not even seen one scene of the most cultic, iconic cinematic cashcows there has ever been. I know; I've polled all of the people.  I imagine I am one of the first bloggers in history to blog about Star Wars but anyway.

First the people who have never witnessed the greatness, Star Wars stars a couple of robots, a big furry bear thing, men who wear too much beige, an annoying lady with a retro Princess Leia hairdo, armed men in all-white outfits wearing tap shoes, and a cape-wearing lunatic, but we all have our foibles.

While the fanatics debate the intracacies of hyperspace travel, the exact measurements of the Death Star, and the main themes running through the series, for example, the power of knowledge and the inability to control your destiny and how awesome and powerful you are if you are the Dark Side leader, a few key questions that never get answered keep rattling around in my head:

• Why do storm troopers wear tap shoes?

• There is practically no responsible use of lightsabres.  Someone could get seriously hurt.

• Every single malfunction on the Millenium Falcon can easily be fixed with a blowtorch.

• None of the windows on any of the space fleet seem to be double-glazed.  Who builds a space thingy without even blinds or curtains to keep out the intergalactic chill?  Who?  I wonder if Richard Branson has thought of curtains for his flying harem of galactic Virgins.

• There is far too much work involved to become a Jedi Knight.

• Yoda would have had another 200 years in him if Luke had stopped hassling him with endless inane questions.

• I love Harrison Ford.

• I want one of those doors that slide open at lightning speed.  The first movie was filmed in the 70's, so why aren't quickarse speedy doors mainstream forty years later?

Mortal Engines - my remote control

The other night I had big plans. BIG PLANS. I was going to hire a DVD (Mortal Engines) and go home and watch it! I wish you could have seen my super excited face. So I ventured to the local Hoyts Kiosk – OLD SKOOL!, where a non-human machine thing dispensed the DVD into my hand in a cold, hard business transaction; just the way I like it.

Mortal Engines was released in early 2019, and I missed it at the cinema, and I’m up to the last book of the Mortal Engines Quartet by Philip Reeve, so have been mega keen to see the series come to life.

Anyway, anyway, my Mac is the one made of Air and thus does not allow things to be stuck in it, so I headed to my DVD player, which I haven’t activated since 1908, and the ‘child safety lock mode’ was on, with no remote to be seen for many, many miles. 

I turned my lounge upside down looking for that damned thing, getting more and more frustrated, the way you do when the world Zuckerberg created helps to turn you into an inpatient, demanding jerk who can’t just ‘be in the moment’ with a lost remote.

My lost remote is all very hilarious actually in this context, because the main character’s job in Mortal Engines is as an ye olde world historian who hunts down and trades in old tech to survive. Maybe he could have found my lost remote. Maybe that can be the second movie. 

Mortal Engines is a post-apocalyptic world where entire cities are mounted on wheels and drive around preying on each other and, let me tell you, I’m gonna kill my bloody remote when I find it.

So after lots of button pressing and holding, it quickly became apparent that I needed another way into the machine. Professionally trained ‘child safety lock mode’ defusers get paid a lot of money to do this job with a remote. One small mistake, and you’re dead.

So, I turned to the Googles to help me dismantle the 'child safety lock mode' sans remote. Unfortunately, I immediately ended up in one of those tech help forums, where the answers to questions create more confusion than the questions themselves. And then, before I knew what was happening, information technology folk starting peppering me with questions via a bot called Bob. I didn’t care for it, so I left the theatre of war, and took sanctuary IRL.

In the end, much like in the movie, the device wasn’t infiltrated, someone was mortally wounded in a sword duel, the crash drive was destroyed with an old tech nuclear warhead, and no-one lived happily ever after.