Why I hate Sudoku

10,000 years ago - which is just a few years before Rolf Harris learnt how to manouvre a piece of butcher's paper to elicit noise because he couldn't play a guitar - a Chinaman sat alone on a hill, probably somewhere in the hills in China, and wondered what to do with his day. 

He was bored, you see, kind of how Westerners feel when an inconsiderate thunderstorm screws with their internet reception and they can't spend the afternoon LOLing at I Can Haz Cheeseburger cats. Except the Chinaman didn't have electricity or Google, he barely had dial-up internet access, so he was really bloody bored as shit.  

So what did he do?  The little bastard decided to invent Sudoku, didn't he.  Nothing to do, so let's create a monstrosity of a cryptic puzzle that no-one can ever solve because they aren't friggin' mindreaders, they don't have a spare 53 days to complete a stupid brainteaser and they aren't blessed with the patience of a Buddhist. 

Only someone who can focus the mind on meditating for hours and hours and hours has the patience for this shit.  Humour me while I curse some more - I FUCKING HATE THIS GAME. (Disclaimer: Probably because I am really shite at it)

I first discovered Sudoku last year, when I was stranded in an airport in Florida as a ferocious hurricane threatened to blow the state away.  Apparently planes don't do hurricanes.  My internet refused to work, so I resorted to the delightfully quaint and old-fashioned pen and paper to entertain me. 

I started about 24 easy games of Sudoku, and felt a vague sense of achievement and satisfaction each time I gave up and looked at the answers.  Sometimes you just gotta keep your expectations low.  Plus shit gets done a whole lot quicker with this approach.

I'm currently trying to complete a hard Sudoku.  I don't know why - but I did emerge from a Coles supermarket today with a touch of a headache, so maybe I was abducted by fresh food aliens in the fruit and veggie patch, curious at why anyone would ever voluntarily eat celery.  I'm also trying to complete the cryptothon without cheating.  I honestly don't know what's come over me.  Maybe the Sudoku's inherent Buddhist teachings are rubbing off.



Can this game possibly get any more annoying? I need a game plan.  Would butcher's paper help?  It's got Rolf out of many a sticky situation.  What would Jack Bauer do? He'd glue some C4 to the page and blow it all the way back to Beijing.  Alternatively, I could just watch some telly.



Too much Sudoku



Ramping Up

I haven't blogged for three-ish weeks. What's with that? Let's see, what's happened in that time. I went to Mustique, I got papped on the beach by some boganey bogans, I got called a 'shop window mannequin' by some depressing author who pens books in a novel, publishable-type manner, and then I did this and that and stuff and thing.

I quite frankly can't be bothered to construct complete sentences, but who can blame me, I am a royal after all. Oh, hang on, sorry, I think I'm getting my life muddled with that of Duchess Kate.

In the last three weeks I have been to the dentist. So there, Duchess Kate. Our paths are so eerily similar is shocks me. But shit got weird today. Very, very viard. Everything was just ticketyboo until I accidently drove up a ramp onto the back of the truck. I know. Weird.

Like there aren't enough things to worry about when I'm whooshing around in my Toyota; now I have haphazard ramps to add to the list. Rampophobia; look it up people. If anyone from AAMI is reading this, you're not really in a position to pass judgement, because I've seen your ads. You would insure a tractor-driving monkey if it could afford comprehensive.