Ants in Space

Last weekend the National Geographic Channel hooked up with NASA for 'Live from Space', a two-hour broadcast live from the International Space Station (ISS), to showcase what the heck it is that astronauts do all day when they are stranded in the middle of intergalactic nowhere on what looks like a flimsy-looking hunk of sheet metal.

I quite enjoyed the transmission, but for something so extraordinary the astronauts certainly did their gosh darndest to make it sound routine and run-of-the-mill; for example, advising viewers that Saturday morning is earmarked for vacuuming the aluminium foil vessel they call home for months at a time.  Boy, who wouldn’t want to be an astronaut.

I assume they were dumbing it down for the Superidiots, who doubtless think the ISS is located somewhere in Idaho.  Part of the telecast involved the astronauts looking out the windows and pointing at remote villages in Greenland that no-one cares about.  

Unfortunately they wrote on the TV screen what these places are called with special magic outer space marker pens, so now the Superidiots will think that earth looks exactly like an atlas from outer space. 

Those astronauts do however have a groovy but legless Robonaut aboard the ISS who carries out all the daunting work that they are too chicken to do, like beer runs to the next galaxy, or mundane tasks that they can’t be arsed doing, like beer runs to the next galaxy.  NASA are currently training Robonaut to remotely perform some medical tasks, like giving injections... I’m pretty sure I never want a robot jabbing a needle into my arm ever. 

The ISS is also currently running a research program for kids called Ants in Space.  It sounds kind of like the Pigs in Space program, but with ants.  Basically a bunch of really, really smart ants have been suited up in cute little astroant suits and their group behaviour in micro gravity is being monitored so a bunch of high school kids can watch live from earth and learn the hard way that even ants are smarter than them.

I hope that all the astronauts are informed of this experiment, just in case the ants escape and get a hit of Mortein up their noses.

How to stop losing shit

Many of us frequently lose common everyday items. Our patience, appetite, hope, remote control, teeth, eye glasses, sight, weight, trust, sanity, our mind, job, virginity, the left sock, motivation, fucking keys. I hate misplacing my keys.

I imagine the reason I often misplace my keys is because my butler, Jeeves (he is one gigantic stereotype), generally opens all doors for me, except not always. Jerk. Must fire Jeeves next time I see him.

Those infuriating people who never lose shit say that the best way to avoid losing shit is to keep shit in the same place you kept it before you lost it so it won’t be lost. Those people give me the shits, but their strategy has some merit, I suppose. You lose shit that doesn’t have a home.  Got it.

Which is all very brilliant, but that mystery plane that the world has lost had a home and a routine flight path, and now it’s not where it’s supposed to be. It’s 1000% lost, lost, lost.

Check in here. Is that the plane?
Oh, it's just a giant lemon.

Maybe it’s true what flight attendants say; the plane will fall out of the sky and you will plummet to your death unless your tray table is locked and secure when they damn well tell you to do it.

How do you lose a fairly sizeable plane? It’s baffling, and a little incomprehensible, that all the sophisticated technology and the support of the world’s best spy agency have not been able to find some evidence of the mysterious jumbo's location, or indeed of its existence.

It seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. So maybe we should check if it’s made a landing on Mars then. Sometimes I accidently put my keys in the laundry for some inexplicable reason, so it’s good to check in places you don’t think it will be. Maybe check Antarctica too; the earth’s fridge.