It's official! Vodafone and TPG have
consciously coupled and will now be happily ever after.
All The Courts in Australia it seems have given their seal of approval for the
two-year romance between telecoms Vodafone and TPG to endure, flourish and now
merge. Mergers are in the air, everywhere I look around.
The telco lovebirds have finally been allowed to become one entity, combining
their sizable assets and market shares in all of the telecoms things and they
have also fairly optimistically opened a joint bank account despite TPG’s
addiction to buying expensive shoes using AfterPay.
And the early winners will be Canberra and Melbourne, who will receive a 20%
capacity increase, and we do not hate it.
The couple had a rocky road through their courtship, with regulatory hurdles
thrown at them from every direction. But their relationship endured.
The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission had opposed the merger
because it said it would negatively affect competition and cause a hike in
consumer prices in Australia, but the Court said “they’re in love and it’s not
about money so let the kids be”, or something to that effect.
The lovey dovey telecoms market disruptors have exchanged cards, bought each
other flowers, watched a romantic film together and finally consciously
coupled, in a $15 billion merger deal that will mean they can feasibly afford
childcare for their future baby telecomms networks for more than one day a
week, but no more than two days a week probably because that care is a luxury.
Exactly who is the gold digger in this arrangement is yet to be seen, because
they are both completely loaded but what we do know is it’s a telecoms combo we
never knew we needed and are still not sure we need to be honest.
The new powerhouse dynamic duo are now free to give the other Australian market
dominators - Telstra and Optus - a run for their money in the 5G landscape
(maybe not sure I haven't read the rules that closely) but then, like Harry and
Meghan, they will probably ‘work to become finally independent’ from the
telecoms industry because THERE’S JUST NO PRIVACY! being filthy rich, and
instead become Instagram influencers in a field in which they have absolutely
no proficiency, like maybe selling vitamins tablets or something.
All that's left now is for them to roll out a baby 5G mobile network. Baby
names are still up in the air, but Huawei is not on the list, I'm fairly
certain.
