Maniacal murderous 'safety' pins

One hasn't blogged for a while, and the content created in this post may indicate why that's possibly a good thing.  Safety pins.  Bloody safety pins.  Has a safety pin ever provided you safety, as indicated in the name of the twisted, screwed-up spring-loaded piece of metallic engineering?  No.  Because safety pins don't really do safety, do they?  They create chaos, mayhem and bloodspats everywhere they go. Stupid little pricks, they are; literally.

While the safety clasp is presumably supposed to protect you from experiencing a painful blood-soaked demise, it rarely does that. You may as well hold clothes and shit together with barbed wire and just brace yourself for the puncture wounds.

Come at me bitches.

I've been stabbed many, many times and been left for dead at least three times by so-called safety pins.  Fortunately I had a bandaid on hand on each occasion.

And why is it that they automatically friggin' ping open as soon as you start waving your hand through your handbag looking for stuff that has nothing to do with them?  Perhaps they should be renamed perilous pins so people new to earth know what they are getting themselves into.

And do you people really think you're safe from embarrassing moments when you pin a hem with a safety pin?  Someone always notices a safety pin on your clothes - which is a given as they are silver and shimmery - and they will also always loudly tell you that they can see it.

The humble safety pin has a long and exciting history, probably, but who cares about that.  Apparently they were invented by some dude in Bronze Age Ancient Greece who presumably didn't have access to the internet for something better to do with his time.

Safety pins actually achieved a mediocre level of fame a few years ago when Hugh Grant's girlfriend, Liz Hurley, decided to use humongous ones to hold her skankypants Versace little black number together, at which point we should have named them tart pins.

At the end of the day, I'm just pissed off that I didn't invent them.