Sugar is my cocaine. It is actually just another addictive white powder that is in its own way as deadly as cocaine. Furthermore, most people would probably snort it given half a chance.
The latest trendy and hip lifestyle choice thing to do is to quit the sugary goodness. All the experts tell us to do this, do that, sugar is bad, candy is the spawn of the devil; it's goes on and on. That's why the only expert you should listen to is Willy Wonka.
While I suppose it is probably very good for you to eat sugar, it just so happens to be quite impossible to quit, so if you do manage to pull it off your virtuous bragging rights go shooting into the stratosphere, where they spend their days orbiting the earth and mocking all the western people around the world who are addicted to lollies.
So how the hell do you quit sugar willingly? Unless you're Sarah Wilson, the self-proclaimed and very successful 'I quit sugar (and you didn't)' guru, it's the hardest thing in the world. Potentially eight times harder than nicotine, according to some close encounters of the sugar kind I've read on the interwebs.
All of this has been leading me to ponder the inevitable. If it's so darn difficult to quit, I imagine one would need to significantly alter one's circumstances for a time to get it right, right?
So here's a list of fun maybe sure-fire ways to quit sugar:
Become a instagram health guru.
Unless it's made of kale and beetroot, they are not allowed to eat it. Not even Caramello Koalas. Also, if you stop eating The Sugar you may just fit your entire bodyshape into the teeny weeny little square filter frames that Instagram forces you into, and that's everything.
Go on a hippie retreat.
On second thoughts, this is a terrible idea. While sugar acquittal may come just that bit easier at these places, the trade off is just not worth it. You will be massively brainwashed, forced to play acoustic guitars for a hobby or worse, for a living, and no-one likes that person.
Join the army.
Join the Australian Defence Forces and get deployed to a war zone. I don't know how this will help you quit sugar at all - I'm sure they have cake in the Taji military base in Iraq - but it sounds like a good place to burn it off.
Bury yourself.
Not in your work. Literally. Make sure you do this project with a reasonably trusted friend who owns a decent shovel.
Move to the bush.
Get out there! Eat only the contents of your veggie patch. This may be a problem if you, like me, are a seasoned and convicted vegetable murderer. I'm sure you'll be fine. Dirt tastes gross, but it's not sugar, so well done.
Go on a three hour tour like Gilligan.
Take a leisurely cruise forever on a dodgy rickety boat and be marooned on a deserted island in tropical, touristy far north Queensland. Make sure there are no Michel's Patisseries, or you'll ruin everything and be a failure forever.
Just drink wine
There is no sugar in wine. How dare you make these allegations. For those who need evidence, the fructose in the grapes is what ferments to become alcohol, leaving the finished product low in sugar. I heard this from someone who knows someone who know everything so proof.
