Bond goes Gaza

There's heaps of angry bird stuff going on in the world at the moment. For example, the Middle Earth terrorists are blowing up shit again, but it's going to be a-okay because Daniel Craig has got his Bond on and has negotiated a ceasefire, which will last for approximately two days. 

The mainstream media is reporting that the psychotically-challenged serial killers, Hamas, the charming Muslim Brotherhood outfit who control the Gaza Crispy Strip©, have agreed to stop bombing the crap out of poor old Israel because of a deal struck by Hillary(ous) Clinton, but we all know that 007 had something to do with it.  Have you not seen his movies, CNN?  You don't mess with Bond.

I haven't seen the new flick yet but I'm gonna guess that Bond, James Bond gets accosted by an angry pod of terrorists, the boss of which has been facially deformed by having his head shoved into a Magic Bullet blender, the Personal, Versatile Countertop Magician.  Or maybe he accidently watched the Magic Bullet infomercial on late night television and voluntarily stuck his face into the speeding chopping blades.

The terrorists, just for a new innovative script twist, want to annihilate Bond and his multi-million gazillion dollar, dirty, capitalist movie franchise and arrogantly possess the lofty goal of wanting to destroy the whole entire world, one Aston Martin at a time.  Then bang, bang, boom, boom, ouch, ahhh, blood, gross, baddies die or flee to an Adam Sandler movie. 

Then Bond gets all Petraeus-esque sidetracked by a non-English speaking, psychotic, nuclear scientist supermodel, nearly dies, and then sails into the distance on a yacht with a different bikini-clad femme fatale whorebag, because, after 25 or so films, the scriptwriters have never been able to come up with a new closing scene befitting a superspy.

Osama's WAGS

Terrorists are a colossal pain in the arse to interrogate; what with their incessant whinging about the lack of internet access in Guantanamo which means they can't chat to their terror networks on Skype or update AnnihilateTheWest.com, and their outrage at the new rule that prohibits them from spending their days carving out a labyrinth of underground tunnels and escape routes with spades and shovels.  Did it not raise any eyebrows when local demand encouraged Bunnings to build a home improvement outlet in Gitmo?

The human rights lawyers, unemployed hippies, smug, self-righteous students and leftwing journalists who huddle around terrorists in their time of guilt need have a tendency to muddy the waters of public opinion, so it is often the case that these mass murderers are perceived by the public as simply innocent bystanders who were caught in the wrong desert at the wrong time. 

Sure, these guys were caught brandishing AK-47s in a terrorist training camp, but I think we have all found ourselves in that sticky situation from time to time.  Just ask David 'Traitor' Hicks.  Oh, that's right, now that he has a book out, he refuses to answer pertinent questions like, "are you ever going to give a satisfactory explanation for your presence in a terrorist training camp?"  Maybe Hicks is a camel.  Has anyone thought to ask him if he's a camel?  Because that would be a satisfactory explanation. 

And now with the Democrats in power in the United States, the officials at Gitmo are not allowed to use any of the techniques that enable them to get terrorists to spill the beans; like asking them questions that may hurt their feelings, may catch them out in a lie, or do anything that they would usually do when, you know, they are interrogating a dangerous terrorist who possesses information imperative to international security and/or the future stability of the west. But that’s okay, don’t push him; I guess he’ll just talk when he’s ready..

Without the use of interrogation techniques, it may as well be a job interview with an explosives company. The leftwing seem to think terrorists will open up to express their feelings of hatred and their plans for the next jihad on the west if they are simply offered a cup of hot cocoa and a milk arrowroot. They have zero concept of how these terror networks operate. And the terrorists know all too well that the western media are sympathetic to human rights, so they milk it for all its worth through their nutty support network in the west (see: human rights lawyers and the Fairfax media).

But just when you thought terrorists were difficult interviewees, spare a thought for the U.S. Government officials who have just questioned three terrorist WAGS; otherwise known as the Wives and More Wives of Osama bin Laden. These women were reportedly equally as charming and amicable in their demeanour as their dead husband was in his heyday. I can just imagine how the conversation went.

Government: “What do you know about bin Laden's future terrorist plots?”
Wife 1: “How dare you ask me any questions! You are all racist! I have human rights, you filthy American white boys! I hate you! Where's my human rights lawyer?!?!”, amid a whole bunch of shrieking and ranting. 

They were apparently hostile, which some sections of the media find surprising for some reason.  I wonder if they co-signed the letter Osama wrote expressing his desire to see President Obama assassinated.  If anyone in the world could be found guilty by association it should be this odious trio.  I guess they will get their comeuppance when they are forced to appear in a new television pilot; The Terrorist Wants a Wife.  Or maybe The Terrorist Blew up his Wife.  My feeling is they will want a six figure sum to do a series of The Real Housewives of Afghanistan.    

And now al Qaeda has gone all al Qaeda on the Middle East. Again. Not that they ever stopped. They've just seemed to have ramped up the suicide bombings.  If they want to blow each other up just let them go.  It saves America doing it.  I'm so tired of hearing about their civil war and general irrational crankypantsness.

Current affairs ADHD

What do you get when you cross Westminster Abbey, Bieber's six flying eggs and a bunch of Navy SEALs? Current affairs ADHD, that’s what. In the past week, the media have had me hooked on their inane sensationalistic news cycle; that being the royal wedding brouhaha, Justin Bieber's right royal egging, and the death of a loathed serial killer.

First there was P-Willy and Kate. Enough said. But also Harry, and Chelsea, and Kate's mum and dad, and the yellow Q, and Fergie's two wicked witches, and Bea's head decoration, and Pippa's bum, and Tara's nose, and Q's snub of Camilla, and the homeless-looking bishop, and Beck's OBE, and Posh's hair, shoes, garbage bag dress, baby bump, lack of baby bump, forehead hat, face, nose, mouth, eye makeup, pouting, smiling, frowning, pouting, etc etc, and the various media-created afflictions and bad wedding attire decisions of other random aristocrats and lowly-ranked celebrities I've never heard of.  Thank heavens the Navy SEALs struck bin Laden when they did or we'd still be putting up with the media's angst over the madhatter's man-made disasters.  

Bin Laden's days of hooning around the streets of Pakistan on the back of an ox and lapping it up in the glamourous mountains and cavernous rabbit warrens of the renowned tourist mecca of Afghanistan came to a dramatic end on the weekend when he was killed by a bunch of Navy SEALs.  It's always best for this type of military operation to remain covert, if for no other reason that whenever civilians (see: the media) get involved they always RUIN EVERYTHING.  Remember when the international media compromised Prince Harry's security in Afghanistan?  Dumb as dog shit.

Plus, the U.S. TV stations would have tried to get in on the action - 20 everyday Americans compete for the chance to blow out the brains of a terrorist...  Yes, that's a little uncalled for - but so was Bali, New York, London and about 500 other attacks he scripted.  True to form, bin Laden's last moments in his quasi-luxurious, cowdung loveshack involved grabbing one of his wives to shield him from the inevitable bullet in the head. Oh well, he's dead now. 

Trust the Pakistanis to be housing mass serial killers.  No surprises there.  Pakistan has been the heart of modern terrorism ever since bin Laden rolled into town.  But there's no time to rest, there are plenty more exploding fruitloops in bin Laden's neck of the woods.  So get to it America.  And it would be tops if you could please put the next one on YouTube.   

What's to say about the itty bitty Biebernator?  He performed his bouncy little routine in Australia the other night and someone egged him.  The next night he brought the "hero" bully-fighter (whose attack on his tormenter last month went viral) onto the stage to yell out a few words of youthful inspirational - that being his famous (apparently) tagline NEVER SAY NEVER! - to the terrifiyingly enthusiastic Bieber teenyboppers.  I would have preferred the Biebs to moonwalk out to the stage and tell the audience about his money, fame and bright future, and how they would never ever come close to such good fortune.  NEVER EVER EVER!!!!

Media should name names

The Australian Defence Force Academy (ADFA) says that it is 'more than just a university'.  Oh, ain't that the truth.  That's ADFA as in the Defence military kindergarten, not the Australian Dried Fruits Association.  But I'm sure they'd understand if you got the two confused.

The Australian Defence Forces (ADF) are really good at defending us; which is useful, because my only expectation of them is to ensure we don’t turn into a country that is anyway different to how it is now. I want them to fight wars in foreign lands, rather than wait until the enemy rocks up here. I want them to stop the bad people among the legitimate refugees from traipsing illegally onto our shores from god knows where, and I want them to kick the arse of any terrorist who plans to obliterate us from the inside. And as far as defending all things Australian, I think they are doing a tops job.

I am very comfortable and confident that the ADF know how to handle any shituation that involves war, intelligence, national security, machine guns, bad people and other defence type matters. That said, I have no confidence whatsoever that they can handle incidents involving women.

The latest Defence scandal involves an 18-year-old student at the Australian Defence Force Academy (ADFA).  The girl, known as Kate, went to the media after the Defence head honchos allegedly ignored her complaint that she had unknowlingly been filmed with a webcam while having sex with another student, while another six male students watched in another room.  Yes, Kate broke the rules by fraternising with the opposite sex, which is banned at the academy.  But that's not the key issue.

How naïve of the Defence heads to believe that dismissing this complaint would be the end of the matter.  What the hell is wrong with these men?  They need to stick to playing with their guns and tanks and not involve themselves in negotiations with any members of the opposite sex, ever.  Because it always seems to turn out badly.  And now a former naval officer has come out, claiming she was raped in her sleep by a fellow officer, and I hope many more people come forward, as difficult as that may be for them.  The ADF has had this coming for a very long time. 

And then we have the media.  Whenever something controversial is going on, particularly when it involves a government department, you can bet your bottom dollar that a journalist will be censored by their news organisation if they upset the applecart. In this case, the requirement is to not upset the highest echelons of the Defence Department, in fear of losing key contacts, and thus the journalist will end up covering trade fairs and dog shows, rather than getting any big scoops from key sources inside the government.

So the while the media whinge endlessly about their impartiality, and how it’s their sole purpose to expose the truth and keep the public informed, in reality, it’s a lot muddier than that. The media and government exist in a complex symbiotic relationship. It’s a two-way mechanism – needing each other, but also needing to keep the other at arm's length. You think it’s just as simple as writing a story and exposing the truth? Get real. We only get a sanitised version of the truth; a version that generally won’t result in any of the top brass going out to pasture on a controversial note.

But doesn’t the public have a right to know who's raping women in the armed forces? Sure we do, but we aren’t going to get the whole truth. The media always claim they protect the identities of bad people because of defamation laws, but I want to know why, even after court proceedings, the media does not, or is not allowed to, name names? Isn’t this hypocritical, given they claim their role is to inform the public?

And I think it would be pretty easy to identify who put it on Skype.  Surely the public is entitled to demand that the media expose the truth.  Expose the jackass who raped (it might be under ACT law) Kate, the others who watched on Skype, and the top brass, and/or government members who decided to cover it up.

Protect the source (Kate), but expose the predators. I don't want the identity of these men protected. I want their faces on the front of all national newspapers, so they can deal with the fallout. Surely the Defence Department would think again about their leniency in cracking down on rapists if there was even the possibility that the faces of these dropkicks would go viral.

Any excuse that is rolled out in defence of protecting their identity is based on an outcome I'd be happy to see - like they won't get work anywhere (cry me a river), or they'll be rejected by women (sounds like a community service to me), or the top brass have had a honourable career (they did, until now).  I don't care what happens to these people, I just want them exposed for who they are.  I really, really would like to see them exposed for who they are.

And let's be clear; the media do not give a stuff about protecting identities of people like Kate; all they care about is ratings and circulation figures, and you only get these through big stories, which you only get by retaining the rapport with the higher echelons in government departments and other business and industry leaders. They sure as shit do not care about protecting society, specifically ADFA women, from men who rape.

These ADFA guys are a small bunch of really rotten eggs among the good eggs in the defence forces. I think we should ship the rotten ones off to the hot spots right now - no training, no guns, no armour, no chance in hell of getting out of there. Perhaps the Defence Department needs a female Pal Sec to act as Defence Women's Relations Liaison, or something to that effect. We could get an outrageously annoying feminist in the role and watch the boys squirm.  Germaine 'name and shame rapists' Greer comes immediately to mind for some reason.  No-one can emasculate quite like Germaine.

Young gun no more, Mr Sheen

What does the average 45-year-old male do on a Thursday night? Watch a bit of telly? Play a bit of sport? Pop down to the gym? Hell no. Real men go on a 36-hour drug and alcohol bender with a plethora of skanky porn star strippers and end up in a hospital emergency department. Just another day in the life of an average joe, aka Charlie Sheen.  Mr Sheen has headed off to rebab again, to try and clean, wax and polish up his act.

Charlie Sheen is the star of CBS’ hit comedy Two and a Half Men, which premiered in 2003, and has been in the Top 10 of U.S. television programs ever since. Despite the fact that it is a cheesy American sitcom, I very much like Men, with its misogynistic comedy and double entendres. Charlie plays Charlie Harper, a self-gratifying jingle writer, who lives in a Malibu beach house with his freeloading brother Alan, and Alan’s son, Jake. Charlie’s character is exactly like Charlie in real life, except Charlie in real life is just a bit pathetic.

I bet you didn’t know that Mr Sheen, the actor, has quite a bit in common with Mr Sheen the cleaning product. It’s true. They both sweep clean surfaces containing white puffy stuff, and they both spend time trying to clean up their act, only having to go redo the whole process when they mess up their house/life again. Clean and polish surfaces as you snort with Mr. Sheen, indeed.  But the cleaning brand, Mr. Sheen, wants to distance itself from its namesake, as it notes on its Wikipedia entry:

“Mr Sheen is a brand of cleaning materials (chiefly floor and furniture polish) to be used after visits from Charlie Sheen.”

While cleaning brands are well-known for their disinfectious humour, I don’t know if that entry was entirely necessary.  But I can certainly understand if they want to differentiate their product from the cheaper, trashier brand; in the event we got the two confused.

Charlie Sheen has been a little loopy for years. I’m not an actual psychologist, but then neither is Dr Phil. But I do possess the psychologist’s bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychological Disorders, and I know how to use it, so let’s do a little diagnosing. I’ve never met Mr Sheen, and I haven’t done a differential diagnosis, but I’m gonna go with drug-induced psychosis, based loosely on the fact that he has a nasty little habit of snorting alot of cocaine on a pretty regular basis. You don’t need to be a psychologist to know this idiotic behaviour does not bode well for your psychological health (See: Britney Spears and the hair-shaving brouhaha).

To be diagnosed with a ‘Substance-Induced Psychotic Disorder’ you must meet certain criteria, one of which is prominent hallucinations and delusions. Hmm, that sounds an awful lot like our Charlie. Let’s look at the evidence. How about this gem from Charlie Sheen commenting on the September 11 attacks:

"There was a feeling, it just didn't look any commercial jetliner I've flown on any time in my life.….but did it sorta look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition'?"

Yes Charlie. It probably looked a little unorthodox to you because commercial jetliners flown by pilots who are not terrorists do not tend to fly intentionally into scyscrapers.  I have no doubt that Charlie is well-regarded at AA meetings for his Homeland Security credentials and construction industry expertise, but this sort of analysis doesn't really wash on Planet Sane.  And this from the same interview:

"It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75 percent of their targets: that feels like a conspiracy theory."

Even Osama bin Laden would think Sheen's conspiracy theory was whacked. Disregarding the fact that al-Qaeda couldn’t wait to tell us that they were responsible for the attacks, a flushing toilet is going to look like a conspiracy theory to someone who has been snorting cocaine for most of their life.

Princess and the Prius

Princesses

I’ve been thinking about changing my work situation, mostly because I’d rather stick a hot poker in my eye than continue to turn up at my current place of employment. So, I have been pondering professions that I might prefer, and ‘Princess’ keeps popping up. But I’ve noticed that you never see any jobs advertisements for Princesses on Seek or in the Saturday Classifieds. And the jobs page on the official website of the British Monarchy tell me they need a ‘Liveried Helper’ and ‘Drawings Conservator’, but no ‘Princess’; which needs to be addressed.

I’ve been there and done that with the ‘liveried help’ slave stuff, but I don’t know if Princess is a viable career option for me either. I mean, how far can you go in that line of work? Where are the college career counsellors when you need them? Maybe I should assess myself against the royal criteria before I start flicking off my resume to Buckingham Palace. Here are some things that may work against me.

I’m not very people-orientated. Then again, neither are most of the Royals. But there is an expectation that you should not snub commoners. I can’t imagine how highly annoying it would be if I was required to greet every homeless bum and weirdo and French President I saw on the street with a gracious smile, a bit of a hello and a handshake. That’s just gross, even through my velvet and faux fur gloves, and would be terribly tedious.

And I do tend to prefer eating food with my hands rather than through the more dignified and modern means of cutlery. This curious habit could pose a problem over lunch at Windsor Castle. I don’t know why I prefer to eat in this style; perhaps I am more closely related to apes than the average bear. Don’t judge me, I don’t see your diamond-encrusted tiara.

However, there are some things that may give me an advantage over others in this job market. For example, I tend to walk into things and trip at random intervals throughout the day, and this skill, if developed correctly, will work in my favour when learning the art of the curtsy. Plus I do look good in crowns of gold, silver or foil, and I can work a pure powdered pastel without looking like a human version of My Little Pony.


Prius

Prius' are not logically or causally linked to princesses. What, you thought there was going to be a connection? The Toyota Prius is a fully hybrid electric car, which means it is the ultimate politically correct status symbol for any self-respecting left wing environmentalist. And Prius owners simply must tell you how ‘friendly’ their hybrid is whenever you are talking about vehicular transport, earthy type things, or any topic completely unrelated to their stupid car.

While driving a Prius means never having to explain yourself in their world, that doesn't stop them trying to bore you senseless in their smug, pretentious, ignorant kind of way, completely oblivious to the pointlessness of it all. Like real evidence that their car is somehow superior. Any evidence gathered from the IPCC is not considered real evidence, as they have largely been discredited and there is also the issue of relevance.

Sheesh, where to start with Prius drivers? How about here: The man Bill Clinton put in charge of the CIA, former chief James Woolsey Jr., drives a Prius because they don’t use much fuel, and fuel is from the Middle East, and oil profits go to terrorist groups apparently, and you are indirectly funding terrorism, and you are just as bad as those terrorists because you don’t drive a Prius. The next time you’re behind a Prius at the traffic lights, spare a thought for the driver. He thinks you’re a terrorist. So use your time wisely and stare him down in his rear vision mirror.

There are so many morons in the world, it’s hard to keep track of them all, but rest assured a great majority of them probably own one of these cars. I have a very loose understanding of what goes on in the heads of these people, but to continue Woolsey’s ingenious thought process, if you buy products that are made in China you are funding child labour. And if you eat a Big Mac you are enabling child obesity. Reader, you disgust me. Those poor kids.

I'm pretty sure child labour in China is caused by communism, child obesity is caused by eating too much, and terrorism is caused by people who don’t give a rats if the West drive around in their Prius’.

Random terrorist: “Oh, the West are all driving Prius’? Well, I don’t despise them anymore and I’m going to stop trying to annihilate them. I might just take my camels for a walk instead”.

I don’t think so.

Jack Bauer - fighting tyranny since 2001

I'd just like to say that, despite the fact that he is fictional, Jack Bauer, played by Kiefer Sutherland, is awesome. Jack spent his television career fighting off all sorts of devilish criminals, from Islamic fundamentalists to Mexican drug lords to loose cannon, poker-playing Chechen militants with bad accents.

But by far, Jack's biggest opponents were often the left wing governments he worked for. Jack's show, '24', was produced by the Fox Network, traditionally a conservative news outlet, meaning they produce news that is fair and balanced, unlike CNN, who don't care terribly for facts and truth. And '24' was a pretty accurate summary of the international political environment - where the only way to deal with international terrorists is generally through a process of force and torture. Anyone who says this violates the human rights of terrorists needs to know this: you are an idiot.

Jack knew that terrorists aren't big on sitting around a table with a U.N. panel to discuss a fair and appropriate solution to their disagreements. Because a fair solution usually means the terrorists have to cede some of the power that they misuse, and start treating people with respect and dignity and stop using them for target practice, as human shields and for suicide missions. Terrorists much prefer blowing up the negotiating table, as Jack discovered in seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.

But instead of fighting the bad guys, Jack had to spend alot of his time trying to convince one stupid democratic president after another that his way was best. And of course, the Democrats always agreed that Jack's way was best AFTER the deaths of hundreds of people.

I really have no idea why the American people vote for Democrats to run the country in the first place. George Bush spent the first few years of his first term cleaning up the mess that Bill Clinton could have prevented while he was in office. In the 90s, Clinton was offered Osama Bin Laden's head on a platter by Sudan. He could have locked up the mass murderer and tossed away the key, but he didn't want to look like he was racially profiling, plus he was far too busy having sex in the oval office to worry about international terrorism.

'24' was axed in 2010, midway through it's 8th season. Fox believed the new producers were veering too far away from Jack's character, and because their stupid storylines involved Jack heading out to have tea and cookies with Islamic imans to apologise for offending them while he was defending the United States from destruction at the hands of their followers.

Defence recruits Summernats bogans

All the Queen’s Army and all the Queen’s men, are hiring Summernats bogans again. Ugh.

The Australian Army have been heading out to the annual Summernats car festival in Canberra for years in an attempt to woo some of Australia’s most trashy, yet car-savvy, young hooligans. Evidently, male bogan-filled environments are perfect breeding grounds for future Army recruits. Well it makes sense I suppose.

This year, the ADF wheeled in their aptly named, Armygeddon, to whip the boys into a testosterone-fuelled frenzy. I can’t decide if it’s a good thing or a bad thing to have these guys in charge of Army vehicles. I guess it’s a good way to turn them into real men – a bit of discipline, a bit of hard yakka and absolutely no access to weapons of any kind. Just so we’re clear - nobody’s giving them guns, right?

I do hope the Army keep an eye on their new bonehead recruits. War’s hard enough as it is; the last thing the Aussie troops need is a shipment of purple suped-up, turbo-charged V8 street machine tanks with stickers of women in bikinis on the side panels. What on earth would the upstanding citizens of the Taliban think? They would be forced to go and kill a bunch of innocent civilians because the West has, yet again, made them crankypants.

The Taliban and Summernats bogans have a lot in common when you think about it. They objectify women, love to burn oil and rubber, breed fear and anxiety on city streets, and a great number of people would be happy if we could just find a way to get rid of them for good.