Gravity (and Spoilers)

I ventured out today to the filmed entertainment place to see Sandra Bullock and that delectable George Clooney man in the outer space thriller, Gravity.  Might be some spoilers here - although if you haven't seen Gravity yet you need to get your shites together.

This movie is about a medical engineer and an astronaut who survive the mid-orbit destruction of their space shuttle and a return to Earth. I enjoyed this flick, but it also reminded me of why I decided to give up my career as a Hollywood movie star.  

You get to the top of your game and are so good at what you do that the only job you get offered involves sitting in a dark studio for three months breathing heavily into a fake space helmut while using your God-given Oscar winning facial expressions to make your eyes look anguished and distressed.  Poor Sandy Bullock.  

Clooney was fortunate enough to die at the start of the movie, and thus avoid having to look perma-traumatised for the duration of the movie-making process, which allowed him to return to his luxurious pad in *insert country*.

I'm pretty sure this pic is not from Gravity. 
But who cares.

In Gravity, Clooney plays a supremely confident and smooth astronaut commander; one of those men who are so annoyingly self-assured that they are just asking for a punch in the damn face.  Oops, not meant to punch people in the face or encourage such activities.  My bad then.

Despite his character’s constant sureties to the contrary, I imagine there is nothing peachy at all about being marooned in the earth’s orbit with a busted space ship.  Even if Clooney was there.

His character is on his last mission before retirement, and was entrusted with ensuring the crew didn’t plummet to their deaths, so things looked just bloody marvellous when he drifted off into the abyss. This movie is exactly why NASA does not let normal people into their space ships.  Because they ruin them with their averageness.  

Nevertheless, despite the extraordinarily bad odds and the fact that her character's not an astronaut but a medical engineer or some other job equally useless in an outer space workplace, Sandy somehow miraculously survives by space shuttlejacking an American, Russian and then a Chinese space ship.  Sounds reasonable.    

I’m pretty sure that Sandy has a few quid, so I don’t know why these powerful acting women let their directors sway them into doing gratuitous skimpy clothed shots just to satisfy the male viewers.  Having said that, the bitch has great legs, so why wouldn't you flash the universe the hot pants you're wearing under your spacesuit?

You Only Live Twice

I've been posting about the big J-Bondo a bit recently.  I'm not obsessed.  I'M NOT.  Although I have recently watched all of the Sean Connery era flicks again, because someone has lent them to me and they are not going to just watch themselves.

You Only Live Twice is one of the stupidest book/movie titles, because I’m pretty sure only about 60% of people get to live twice.  Although stupid titles are always a useful and credible red flag that indicates the ensuing book/movie is going to be shite as well, and this one is no exception.

But it's James Bond and it's Ian Fleming and it's... James Bond, so you just have to cut them some slack and play the hand you're dealt.  There are one thousand and fifty two things I thought were outright ridunkulous in this movie, and here are a few:

All the personnel on the rocket launching pad that was located in the inactive volcano were colour coordinated. Cute.  Speaking of teletubbies, Bond's Japanese ninja friends were all dressed in fifty shades of volcano crater grey, for obvious reasons, and came complete with bonus suction pads.  And it worked a treat, until it didn't, and they all died.  But they did blow a massive crater in the massive crater.

There are a lot of opportunities in life where you can wing it, but I'm pretty sure driving a space rocket is not one of them, James Bond.

The Japanese Bond girl gets about in a white bra and knickers for the majority of the flick but is suddenly and gratiously afforded a (buttonless) shirt by the wardrobe department when all hell breaks loose.  But she still doesn't have any pants.  I don't understand why they can never organise a budget for clothes for the Bond girl.

Later, in the crater, she loses her shirt that she spent all movie working towards, so she's back to her bra and knickers. No clothesure for her then. Bond movies should do a deal with Bonds undies.

At least Sean Connery relinquished his beloved baby blue terrytowelling shorts jumpsuit he so loved wearing in EVERY FILM for this particular movie.  And thank goodness the white boyleg shorts that he wore for nighttime deepsea scuba diving reconnaissance in Thunderball didn't make an appearance.  They were great camouflage under the flourescent light of the moon, and indeed their genius was magnified when combined with an orange leotard.  Yes, an orange leotard.

Thunderball is the movie where the fighter jet doubles as a submarine.  The Australia Defence Forces need to dump the Joint Strike Fighter program and focus on the acquisition of flying submarines.

In You Only Live Twice, Bond's crazy arse bad boy nemesis - who is relentlessly mocked in the Austin Powers flicks - has a nice and cosy base-of-a-volcanic-crater loungeroom made of slate, old lava and traditional volcanic floating floorboards, along with an artfully decorated pond full of piranha.  Like a boss.

Alas, the makers of Austin Powers didn’t really have to dig that deep.

Bond goes Gaza

There's heaps of angry bird stuff going on in the world at the moment. For example, the Middle Earth terrorists are blowing up shit again, but it's going to be a-okay because Daniel Craig has got his Bond on and has negotiated a ceasefire, which will last for approximately two days. 

The mainstream media is reporting that the psychotically-challenged serial killers, Hamas, the charming Muslim Brotherhood outfit who control the Gaza Crispy Strip©, have agreed to stop bombing the crap out of poor old Israel because of a deal struck by Hillary(ous) Clinton, but we all know that 007 had something to do with it.  Have you not seen his movies, CNN?  You don't mess with Bond.

I haven't seen the new flick yet but I'm gonna guess that Bond, James Bond gets accosted by an angry pod of terrorists, the boss of which has been facially deformed by having his head shoved into a Magic Bullet blender, the Personal, Versatile Countertop Magician.  Or maybe he accidently watched the Magic Bullet infomercial on late night television and voluntarily stuck his face into the speeding chopping blades.

The terrorists, just for a new innovative script twist, want to annihilate Bond and his multi-million gazillion dollar, dirty, capitalist movie franchise and arrogantly possess the lofty goal of wanting to destroy the whole entire world, one Aston Martin at a time.  Then bang, bang, boom, boom, ouch, ahhh, blood, gross, baddies die or flee to an Adam Sandler movie. 

Then Bond gets all Petraeus-esque sidetracked by a non-English speaking, psychotic, nuclear scientist supermodel, nearly dies, and then sails into the distance on a yacht with a different bikini-clad femme fatale whorebag, because, after 25 or so films, the scriptwriters have never been able to come up with a new closing scene befitting a superspy.