Let me tell you a story. Don’t worry, it’s not a long story.
So I've recently had a holiday in an overseas destination type of situation.
It was a brutal, exhausting two-week adventure in a wild and really quite dangerous place. We had no tour guide, and no survival guide.
It was fraught - FRAUGHT! - with danger. Man versus the wild in a treacherous habitat.
It’s widely known by just about everyone who know things that humans aren’t built to live in a jungle.
We haven’t adapted; we’re artificial animals who live in artificial environments constructed by humans.
We are suburban, not survival. We are vegemite, not vegetation. We are Instagram, not moist forest. That’s right; I don’t camp.
So, it was just us, the merciless terrain and the unpredictable locals.
 |
| Always on guard for a herd of charging wildebeest. |
Man versus nature. You get the picture. In fact, other than the app that is designed to help you get around, we were on our own in Disneyland. It was Borneo with minnie mouse ears.
Fortunately, people have died in jungles before, so we can use their mistakes as a guide.
Here are five helpful ways to increase your chances of survival in the jungle Disneyland:
STOP, THINK, OBSERVE, PLAN
Make sure you orient yourself with any landmarks you remember, like an exceptionally annoying group of stationary tourists. Look for evidence of the direction you came from, such as fairly obvious signs saying ‘you are here’, and walk in the direction the least amount of tourists are going.
Alternatively, pick up a map of Disneyland as you enter the park.
If you do get lost - S.T.O.P - Stop, think, observe, plan. This is also a really useful tip if you don’t want to walk 358 kilometres a day and prefer to map things out at the get-go.
If you strategise correctly using Disneyland’s fast pass system, you can see nearly everything in a day. It was designed for people who don’t want to spend 90 minutes queueing with toddlers. But you have to arrive early and leave late.
And like all jungles that I’ve ever heard of, the wildlife is quiet first thing in the morning and then again late at night, except for all the nocturnal animals who will kill you on sight first thing in the morning or late at night.
 |
| Wild cats everywhere. |
Fortunately, the bossy Disneyland ushers have got your back. They will guide you to the direction of one-way predators only so you will at least be touristed to death heading in the correct direction.
GETTING FOOD
Speaking of predators, the jungle is full of things that want to kill you. Look at Borneo.
Well, I don’t know anything about the jungle in Borneo actually but I imagine it’s dangerous as heck.
The other things that want to kill you is the food. Whatever you do, do not eat the food at Disneyland. I mean, don’t eat all the food. That’s what the locals do.
They eat all the turkey legs, all the gumbo, all the almond butter ice cream, all the churros, all the mac and cheese off the enticing mac and cheese trees, all the time, and then wonder why they can’t run away from the predators.
(Note: USA, not everything needs to taste like sugar.)
FOLLOW ANIMAL TRAILS
Look for obvious animal trails that are heading in the same direction as you and follow them to try and find a water source.
Unfortunately, Mickey, Minnie and Pluto travel around the jungle daily with an enormous entourage of hired help so I’m pretty sure they have security on speed dial. They are important jungle animals.
You’ll be slapped with an AVO before you can say MICKEYMOUSE if you follow the trails of their oversized cartoon feet. You ain’t getting to that water source any time soon.
FOLLOW ANIMAL POOP
Which is quite gross, but I guess it works. In a normal jungle.
 |
| That's a long way. |
Disneyland don't do dirt. Or cigarette butts on the ground. Or tourists blocking thoroughfares.
I’m sure no-one was watching on closed-circuit cameras; it was just a massive coincidence that a pop-up cleaner came out of nowhere.
Cue sad violins and all the sad emoticons to illustrate all my sad feels of that sad time when my iPhone had to swim for its life.
GET WATER
See above. I guess I die in this jungle story. Was never any good at choose your own adventure.
FIND SHELTER
Well, great, but Brand Disneyland don’t really do shelter. Sorry.
You’ll be queueing exposed for a minimum thirty minutes in a hazardous 100 degrees, listening to monotonous brain-spasming catchy Disney tunes, to ride the Haunted Mansion, surrounded by beautiful shady trees that you are not allowed to huddle under because they are fenced off and for attraction aesthetics only, so sweat it out friend.
This is likely to cause problems or to have adverse consequences to your day so I would strongly recommend you bring your own tree.
After all the days at the all-American cheese factory that is Disneyland, I kinda feel like the little mouse has burrowed into my brain and left his ears logo etched onto my amygdala.
How the hell did I survive Disneyland? We'll never know. It's the magic of Disney.
You need a lot of stamina to get through 10 days at that place (yes, 10 days, sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I thought you’d judge).
It’s a brilliant business model. Market your company as the happiest place on earth and then people will desperately want to return, even though their pockets are being drained and they become devoid of anything resembling sanity.
It’s the land of ridiculous, impractical fairytale fantasies and forces you to suspend your IRL for days on end and what's wrong with that.
Can’t wait to go back.
