BBC’s 'Make me a Dealer'

Reality television’s great. A little screen full of millions of tiny attention seeking people for you to pity and ridicule. 

So today I watched BBC’s Make me a Dealer. Calm down, it’s not about junkies teaching overly keen individuals their dirty junkie selling ways in a bus interchange on a Friday night although that would also make for a pleasant evening viewing experience.

According to the BBC, Make me a Dealer is about a man called Paul Martin, who “takes to the road as he searches the length and breadth of Britain in pursuit of a new generation of moneymaking antiques dealers”. Sounds like a snooty, boring sort of James Bond thing.

Apparently this quaint British show helps regular normals become overnight antiques sensations - experts at determining trash from not-trash - with the aim of making some cash via a little side hustle. 

Hmm…it seems to me the whole thing about knowing trash from not-trash is having extensive knowledge of your market. Like having a degree in knowing trash from non-trash.

Like having a degree if you were a doctor, for example, as an example that's not really the same at all. Let’s have a medical show like this, where they release members of the public onto other somewhat sick members of the public, and they try to treat them using Dr Google, under the watchful yet mocking gaze of medical professionals. That’s sounds fun and watchable, BBC.

Alas, probably not in their upcoming pilots sadly, so you’ll all have to play Dr Google to diagnose yourself, your neighbours, your friends, strangers and your long-suffering work colleagues without getting reality television famous. Probably for the best.

Anyway anyway anyway, the point is, if you want to be an antiques pro-fesh-i-narl, you kind of have to do a lot of groundwork to know what the goshdarnit you are doing with all those period pieces of great antiquity.

So, anyway anyway, in our show our hero Paul Martin does that elitist voiceover thing of mocking and humiliating David and Laura - tonight’s contestants - because he thinks they don’t know what they are doing. Well, David has a vague idea; Laura not so much. 

Fortunately, Laura has been humiliated before and knows exactly what’s she’s doing in that regard and she is having none of it, maintaining her sense of humour with such nuggets as “I’m going to buy a mug, not be a mug”. Yeah Paul Martin, save your toff scoffing and contemptuous ridicule for another day, mate. How very British is this show?

So lots of things happened and ad breaks blah blah and then more things and then they had to go to an auction and they keep putting their hands in the air. No, don’t put your hands in the air unless you have money to buy this useless crap. 

And then, in the end - let’s fast forward at the fastest speed possible to the end - Paul Martin comes out with, “well, I think they both got lucky”,  presumably because they made some type of profit off the stained mid 18th century mug and ugly decorative art that they bought at auction (I wasn't paying attention really). Yeah? Fancy that, Paul Martin. Turns out guessing the value of cor blimey ye old shite ain’t that hard after all.

Anyway, I’m VERY ANNOYED, because I quite liked this show.

Escape to the new Yarralumla dogpark

This Saturday, Government House in Canberra is opening it’s doors to visitors, when you peasants can pop along - for free! - and have a stomp (elegantly and quietly please thankyou) around the residence, including the over 100 acres of manicured lawn. 

By Saturday, the garden’s cuticles will be trimmed and it's nails will be shaped and coated with all the shades of the colours of the Union Jack.

During the day, you’ll have the opportunity to chat to the Governor-General, His Excellency General the Honourable Sir Peter Cosgrove AK MC (Retd), and Lady Cosgrove, as they go about their laundry, pre-prepare meals for the week ahead, and watch ‘Escape to the Country’ on Foxtel while they iron shirts and sheets in one of the many stately rooms. It’ll be much like your Saturday afternoon, only in the presence of rich people in splendid surroundings.

Government House is Canberra’s home-away-from-palace for the British Royals when they come to town, and I’ve been keen to see it for years. And this year - our two world’s collide! -  as I’ve finally remember to check ‘what’s on in Canberra at Government House’ ahead of time.

But first, a lesson on the GG home's history (stay awake; I’ll make it fun for everyone. Or jump ahead a few paragraphs, but I’ll forever KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST PARAGRAPH). The original brick building of Government House was built in 1899, and included a substantial wooden shearing shed to house the owner’s numerous flocks of pet sheep. Everyone needs a hobby.

It's beautiful, innit?

In 1913, the owner decided to sell it via an early version of All Homes and, by sheer coincidence, the Commonwealth Government had been scanning All Homes every chance they could get, looking for a former sheep shed to use as a temporary residence for the Governor-General of Australia that'll look good in photos for the 'gram. That's a telegram; not Instagram. 

I guess the GG is still there, so in the last 100 or so years they decided to do a renovation rescue rather than sell. Good decision, because it’s the best-looking spot in Canberra.

If this was ‘Escape to the Country’, Government House would be the mystery house that no-one asked to see because it’s about 18 million quid outside their budget. And that’s pretty much what we’ll be doing on Saturday.

If there is a Suggestion Box at the royal abode, I shall be suggesting that they cordon off an acre or two for a new Yarraluma dogpark because, how pretty is it!