The Perfect Mountain Mud Cake

Mount Taylor in Canberra. It’s my rocky mountain high, except it’s not that high, which is why I regularly go up and down and up and down, and sometimes up and down again. If it wasn’t so diminutive I wouldn’t need to torment myself in such a manner.

It’s recently rained a terrible shitload in Canberra; shitload being the layman’s understanding of a lot of anything. 230 years of rain in just under two hours, I’ve heard. Public sector gossip is hardly ever incorrect. Rain is great for the most part, except for the fact it turns my favourite mountain running track into a dangerous and unstable mud and sludge speedway.

I went up there the other day for the first time following The Rains. It was a treacherous mud-made death wish. When I went up a few days later it was the perfect consistency of water and dirt. I think of mountain dirt as a bit like icing on a cake. I think about mountain dirt quite a lot, particularly the exuberance one feels when it is the perfect consistency.

With the right temperature, the right ingredients and the right pan, you too can make the perfect chocolate mountain mud cake.

Here’s how:

Prep time: How long is a storm?
Cooking time: None required
Serves: Generally your arse on a baking tray

Method:

- Preheat sun to 38c
- Bring in the clouds
- Add 350 million cups of rainwater and 300 million cups of loose dirt (you will note these quantities make the cake completely shit so you will need to add more dirt as necessary if you don't want to die when sliding off your cake)
- Cocoa makes a great alternative to loose dirt, Willy Wonka
- Add 1 teaspoon bicarbonate soda
- Beat dirt and water with an electric blender until slippery and dangerous
- Spread over mountain
- Finished.

Fortunately I am descended from a long line of mountain goats on my father’s side, so that’s quite convenient. I don’t have any evidence to verify this cross breeding program, but I do love running on mountains, lots of goathumans on my father’s side also love it, and I have four legs, so there’s that.