The Nepalese Government has lodged a planning application to turn the sacred site that houses Mount Everest into a massive theme park, complete with a summit roller coaster, an inflatable north face, and eventually a 5-star hotel on the Chinese side of the jumbo-sized mountain. Mount Everest is the tallest mountain on the planet and has long been considered a symbol of adventure and exploration, so it is no surprise whatsoever to anybody that it is now being slated for conversion into a big, western, capitalist cash cow.
Everestland will operate much like the Kennedy Space Centre at Cape Canaveral in Florida, where a working space centre somehow operates in tandem with fun theme park rides and character astronauts.
Journeying to Mount Everest is a right of passage for many adults who are suffering a mid life crisis and need an existential / transcendental / embracing of their own mortality experience to make it through the rest of their lives.
A spokesman for the Nepalese Government said, "people can still come here to question whether their life has any purpose, meaning or value, but they might have to queue for a bit. Although if they come between 2 and 3pm they will be able to access a fastpass to get up to Existential Corner before the evening onslaught".
The Everestland brochure recommends that anyone in this position plan their midlife crisis for the off-peak season. Alternatively, they can purchase the Everestland Existential Crisis Package.
Prolonged isolation is a thing of the past for expert seasoned mountaineers, as they will soon undergo an excruciatingly long climb past hordes of screaming overtired sticky children, and pass through the centre of themed restaurants serving deep fried glacier sticks and frozen pizzas, on their way to the Summit Cafe at the peak.
The spokesman said, “this is part of the attraction. Diners want to see people haul themselves up dangerous slopes and across gaping crevasses when they are eating their cheeseburgers, fries and coke. This is real entertainment”.
The spokesman added, "we will be dealing with the lack of oxygen issue at a Planning Meeting next month. We are thinking of rebranding oxygen as Everest Air or something like that and charging our guests for the right to use it, sort of like the model they use for wifi in Australia.
Also, we don't want parents to think that their child might die at Everestland through altitude sickness. It's not really something we are worried about though. The American theme park tourist well run deep".
It is believed it will be left up to parents to decide whether they think their child will be okay walking around a mountain at the cruising altitude of a 747.
Other planned attractions and experiences include a cliffhanger ride, wave pool, glacier challenge and the Hunt for the Yeti. There will also be character actors dressed as Sir Edmund Hillary and sherpa Tenzing Norgay, the first climbers to reach the peak of the world's highest mountain.
While there are currently only two main routes to the summit, tourists will soon be able to access the peak via an endlessly long travelator. Guests will be given a sleeping bag when they embark as it will take approximately 16 hours to reach the top.
But for the clients who have paid mountaineering companies exorbitant amounts of money to get them safely to the summit, some up to USD$250,000, it's the suffering that really counts.
The Nepalese Government spokesman has confirmed that no-one has had the balls to tell China about any of this yet.
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