Can you please not shit here?

I love magpies. They are very pretty and have a deeply melodic sing-song that is prettier than Adele warbling Skyfall. But I must have asked them a thousand times to not bloody sit and shit on my balcony, and I don't believe they are sorry at all for all the shits they have done. So today I'm training them to not do that any more. They can come and drink the water out of the used chinese food container (First mistake. I know. I KNOW) but then they must not loiter, gasbagging with their mates.

It turns out talking reason to a magpie doesn't really work. They just squawk at you. Or start singing. I might start doing that in heated embattled conversations. Just start fucking warbling. It's the magpies version of putting your fingers in your ears and yelling blah blah blah.

Second mistake: I'm not trying to be mean and bossy about it. I'm a Caramello when it comes to the animal kingdom, but it's about to get feisty in the jungle because they keep on coming like a bunch of Angry Birds and don't seem to be listening to my very, very sound words of wisdom. Apart from anything else, it's just common courtesy to not shit on someone's balcony, unless they deserve it. It's almost like they don't know right from wrong. I blame their parents.

Like all good community service messages, I think a sign needs to be erected depicting a bird on a toilet and a big red "no-no" line through it. Signs always stop criminals. And I'll make it all official with a replica Australian Government coat-of-arms, so they can have it out. Bird-to-bird.