When it comes to sticking my fingers in dirt with the intention of growing little green things into big green things, I fail like a fat kid trying to get excited by a stick of broccolini; which is just more of the many types of green vegetable things that I can not grow at all with a very high success rate.
And the absolute pinnacle of plant growth impossibility is the ruthlessness that is succulent propagation, which is really just plant porn with fancy science name. Propagation is the act of breeding specimens of a plant or animal by natural processes by the mummy and daddy. Apart from trying to illegally download the U.S. version of Netflix, there are fewer challenges that you will face in your adult life that will be tougher than trying to propagate succulents.
Herein lies the problem. Succulents do not like water. They do not care to be fussed over. They don’t want you serenading them with Bing Crosby tunes or to cover them with a thermal baby blanket when it gets a bit cool in the night hours or give them some sunscreen when it’s a bit too sunny. They want you to leave them the fuck alone. They can manage all the life things by themselves please. As a chronic overwaterer, I can't cope with this.
It’s unnatural. It’s inhumane. The only people who should be comfortable leaving a poor little succulent leaf to flounder are sociopaths. It goes against human nature.
Humans are nurturers. If a human can’t water something, or wrap it in a blanky, or give it benzos when it can't sleep in its pot, their head will spin on it’s axis until it explodes. Succulents lure you in with their charisma and magnetism and then, once you get to know their cold hearts, they end up destroying the lives of all they touch.
If a living thing doesn’t require water and shelter from you, because it's already stored it in its body when you were sleeping in a Freddie Kruger type scenario, then I put it to you that they are in fact zombies, and we all know how well zombies can be controlled by anyone who isn’t already dead. They are corpses. And they will stop at nothing until they suck all the joy and happy out of the world.
In the human world, one can become a plant zombie by having your brain’s sucked out by another zombie plant or by getting a job in the public sector, but how does one possibly make a second plant, without turning it into the undead? Does anybody on the mothership earth know.
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