Princess and the Prius

Princesses

I’ve been thinking about changing my work situation, mostly because I’d rather stick a hot poker in my eye than continue to turn up at my current place of employment. So, I have been pondering professions that I might prefer, and ‘Princess’ keeps popping up. But I’ve noticed that you never see any jobs advertisements for Princesses on Seek or in the Saturday Classifieds. And the jobs page on the official website of the British Monarchy tell me they need a ‘Liveried Helper’ and ‘Drawings Conservator’, but no ‘Princess’; which needs to be addressed.

I’ve been there and done that with the ‘liveried help’ slave stuff, but I don’t know if Princess is a viable career option for me either. I mean, how far can you go in that line of work? Where are the college career counsellors when you need them? Maybe I should assess myself against the royal criteria before I start flicking off my resume to Buckingham Palace. Here are some things that may work against me.

I’m not very people-orientated. Then again, neither are most of the Royals. But there is an expectation that you should not snub commoners. I can’t imagine how highly annoying it would be if I was required to greet every homeless bum and weirdo and French President I saw on the street with a gracious smile, a bit of a hello and a handshake. That’s just gross, even through my velvet and faux fur gloves, and would be terribly tedious.

And I do tend to prefer eating food with my hands rather than through the more dignified and modern means of cutlery. This curious habit could pose a problem over lunch at Windsor Castle. I don’t know why I prefer to eat in this style; perhaps I am more closely related to apes than the average bear. Don’t judge me, I don’t see your diamond-encrusted tiara.

However, there are some things that may give me an advantage over others in this job market. For example, I tend to walk into things and trip at random intervals throughout the day, and this skill, if developed correctly, will work in my favour when learning the art of the curtsy. Plus I do look good in crowns of gold, silver or foil, and I can work a pure powdered pastel without looking like a human version of My Little Pony.


Prius

Prius' are not logically or causally linked to princesses. What, you thought there was going to be a connection? The Toyota Prius is a fully hybrid electric car, which means it is the ultimate politically correct status symbol for any self-respecting left wing environmentalist. And Prius owners simply must tell you how ‘friendly’ their hybrid is whenever you are talking about vehicular transport, earthy type things, or any topic completely unrelated to their stupid car.

While driving a Prius means never having to explain yourself in their world, that doesn't stop them trying to bore you senseless in their smug, pretentious, ignorant kind of way, completely oblivious to the pointlessness of it all. Like real evidence that their car is somehow superior. Any evidence gathered from the IPCC is not considered real evidence, as they have largely been discredited and there is also the issue of relevance.

Sheesh, where to start with Prius drivers? How about here: The man Bill Clinton put in charge of the CIA, former chief James Woolsey Jr., drives a Prius because they don’t use much fuel, and fuel is from the Middle East, and oil profits go to terrorist groups apparently, and you are indirectly funding terrorism, and you are just as bad as those terrorists because you don’t drive a Prius. The next time you’re behind a Prius at the traffic lights, spare a thought for the driver. He thinks you’re a terrorist. So use your time wisely and stare him down in his rear vision mirror.

There are so many morons in the world, it’s hard to keep track of them all, but rest assured a great majority of them probably own one of these cars. I have a very loose understanding of what goes on in the heads of these people, but to continue Woolsey’s ingenious thought process, if you buy products that are made in China you are funding child labour. And if you eat a Big Mac you are enabling child obesity. Reader, you disgust me. Those poor kids.

I'm pretty sure child labour in China is caused by communism, child obesity is caused by eating too much, and terrorism is caused by people who don’t give a rats if the West drive around in their Prius’.

Random terrorist: “Oh, the West are all driving Prius’? Well, I don’t despise them anymore and I’m going to stop trying to annihilate them. I might just take my camels for a walk instead”.

I don’t think so.