Elevator Departure Statements

The elevator is a great invention, isn't it?  Designed to induce awkward silences whenever more than one person occupies it at the same time.  I work on the 10th floor of an office building, thus I ride the elevators a fair bit, thus I spend a fair bit of time listening to snippets of conversations of people coming back from lunch, and I take the opportunity to interpret various topics and meanings of their chat in any way I wish.

And I stand quietly in the corner. Judging. Psychoanalysing. No, not really, most of time I just want them to talk about something more interesting.  So I’ve started to notice a lot of Elevator Departure Statements (EDS), and I’ve decided that I want to make like the lower floors and join this elite group.

An EDS occurs when random strangers are having a conversation in the lift about a topic that could verge into disagreeable territory at any moment. And then you hit floor seven, and a lady gets out and throws a smoke bomb into the conversation and everyone stares at her as she flounces off with her grocery bags and latte as the doors close.

Let me give an example.  The other day, us elevator riders, as a collective, agreed that the weather was too friggin' cold.  Because it was.  And then the lift binged for the seventh floor.  As the doors opened, a lady got out and said "Well, I like this weather." 

You know what just happened? We just got EDS'd – she dropped the verbal smoke bomb and got the last word. No questions asked, just the last word. You can’t argue with a set of metal doors. Well you can, and I'm sure there’s a therapy group in the public service that you can join and some public servants who are willing to champion your disorder. There are no (habitable) floors above me, so my elusive EDS moment may never eventuate.

An EDS is psychological warfare, my friend. They so know the effect their weapon will have on innocent bystanders. As far as I’m concerned, if you have a point, make it, and stand behind it. Everyday Aussies dropping an EDS. What is this country coming to?