Classes of Reality Televisual Drugs

As nauseating as all reality television programming may be, I separate them into three distinct categories for my own ease, in the way that lawmakers and law enforcers grade drugs through a class system; bad, badderer and baddest.

Class C reality programs are the least harmful of all.  But like Class C drugs, you have to be pretty dopey to engage with them, and even more dopey to want to guest star on them. The key players of Class C reality are good people (and dogs) doing good things for the benefit of the community. Customs officers, lifesavers, random breathe testing and police dogs, amongst many others.

Good eggs and canines who can save your bacon, or your luggage, at any point in your life.  The most effective means of making a guest appearance in an episode on one of these shows is to just be yourself, providing you are a drug-taking, law-breaking dickhead caught in a serious intelligence vacuum.

The only real talent these guest stars possess is that they are dense enough to want to be seen handcuffed on national television. Taking Class C drugs of the likes of anabolic steroids and minor tranquillisers may be where the problem started.  Or maybe I am being too kind and they are just morons.

Watching Class B reality is marginally more serious that watching Class C, and includes Australian Idol, Australia's Got Talent, Masterchef and My Kitchen Rules. While the guest stars of these shows may possess some hidden talent like flame throwing or horse whispering, it's still not that interesting watching someone cook a souffle, even if you were taking Class B drugs of the likes of amphetamines, codeine and cannabis.

Watching Class A reality is serious and will cause dependence and constipation. You must seek professional help as soon as the current season of Ladette to Lady is complete, because as rivetting as it is watching a bunch of skanky hoes turn into a bunch of skanky hoes who miraculously learn how to use a fork, you are effectively addicted to crystal meth, heroine, cocaine and/or esctasy.

Other Class A reality includes The Amazing Race, The Farmer Wants a Wife, Four Weddings, Dating in the Dark, Survivor, Conviction Kitchen, The Block, Please Marry my Boy.  That riduclous Big Brother started it all.  Seriously, why are any of these people on television?

And if you are inclined to watch this trash, can I suggest that - if you record an episode - you do not supply it to another person.