Warning: This is about defecting tyres.

Got to my car in my work carpark the other day to find a plastic-covered notice from my local government, alerting me to the fact that my front left tyre was defecting.  I found this all very exciting because how often do your car tyres defect?  One minute you're doing donuts in morning peak hour traffic - which should have been my first red flag - the next minute you find out your tyres actually work for the KGB.

In hindsight, I should have known there was dissent in the ranks when I caught my car engaging in what I suspected was counter-counterintelligence gathering.  This is almost just like the Petrov Affair.

And then I questioned the likelihood of my little car being caught up in an dramatic international spy incident and realised they probably meant my tyre was defective.  It must be from all those left turns I make, and indeed all those anti-clockwise burnouts I do on the Tuggeranong Parkway in Canberra at 2am with my street racing pals.  Yep, that's me.  Can't sleep. You have your hot chocolate, I have my night hobbies.

Our rubber can fly. Or something.

So, fair call, they want my car to be up to scratch.  Can't argue with that logic.  So I contacted a tyre place to organise some new front-end Goodyears.  If they are good enough for blimps then they are good enough for my car.

And here's a practical tip: it's probably best to not wear a pale pink winter coat when visiting the mechanic.  They see you coming.  Oh, here comes Barbie in her little red corolla car; let's rip her off.  She's probably so daft that she'll drive up the ramp on the street out the front that's reserved specifically for cars that are not hers. Yep.

So once these folk attach my new tyres and I'm paying the bill, they advise me they don't do inspections anymore.  That would have been really useful information when I booked and asked them if they did inspections. 

So a few days later I put my car into the same dealership, except one closer to my work, for a roadworthy inspection.  My car is so sick of being judged and criticised but we passed with flying colours and they told me about some things I needed to watch for in the future, which is exactly what I expect from my car servicer.  I find it's always ideal if the people who service your car alert you to any defects before your local government sees them.

Can it be that I have found my dream mechanic? One who isn't going to make out my car has a whole bunch of fake illnesses just to drain my bank balance or accuse me of Car Munchausen syndrome by Proxy?  Kmart Tyre and Auto in Phillip, Canberra.  I rate them.

And this journey isn't over yet, because that would be entirely unbureaucratic.  Before me and the little red four-wheeled fella are roadworthy again we must cut through more red tape and turn up to the house of condemned souls - the A.C.T. Government Shopfront - with our paperwork and beg for a gigantic novelty cardboard tick of approval from our Chief Minister, Katy Gallagher.  She works there, right?  She probably should occasionally.