Doctor WTF Symphony

Apparently you haven't lived until you've been to a Doctor Who symphony.  And after you've seen it you'll want to stick a hot poker in your eye and have your long-term memory bank fumigated so you never have to think about it ever again.  A Doctor Who what you ask?  Total fucking weirdness, that's what.

Last weekend I went to this little sound and light shebang about the time travelling Time Lord in Melbourne for two reasons.  The most persuasive reason is that I was more or less tricked into attending through smoke and mirrors and the sneaky, sneaky method of catching me offguard. 

LIFE LESSON #327: Stay alert at all times in case someone asks you to a Doctor Who Symphony.  The second reason is that I'd already paid, and it went for three hours, and at $23 per hour, $23 an hour is $23 an hour.  Everyone has a price, evidently I buckle for $23 an hour.
 
And anyway, I thought to myself, 'how bad can it be?', given that the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra had put their name and big brass band instruments to it.  Well, um, the orchestra was brilliant...
 
It absolutely did not help that I have no context of the current Doctor series to make any sense of what was going on, which pretty much sums up the whole three hours.  One long WTF.  It was hosted by a British dude who starred on the show as someone who did something.  I don't know, and don't particularly care either, but he was a pretty decent MC.  The conductor was highly annoying and spent his time conducting things and being overly dramatic and flicking his hair in time with the spooky music, which all sounded eerily similar.
 
One thing became abundantly clear to me during this crazyathon.  To be a respectable fantasy fiction actor, you need to be splendid at hand acting.  To do this you need to master the art of staring intently and nervously at your hand, turning it over, back and forth, very slowly, and then stare at it in horror as it turns into a burst of green noxious gas, or an alien life form, or a sonic screwdriver (please don't ask). 

People who are naturally good at this are Doctor Who's.  People who are unnaturally good at this spend their weekends with their head jammed up a bong, or whatever appropriate terminology is used by substance abusers.  As an actor, if you can't master this simple yet valuable trick of the trade, then don't give up your night job waiting tables.  I can do it, but then I can do most things.

The daleks were there, and so were the cybermen.  No, I don't know what cybermen are either.  I do however know that all of Doctor Who's dirtiest, bitchiest enemies thoughout his weirdo history have had the crappiest peripheral vision known to man.  How they became known as formidable is anyone's guess, since it was easier for the D-Man to sneak up on them than a hearing-impaired beagle.

Don't even get me started on sonic screw drivers.  Some things need to remain blocked out.