This is an important community announcement to people who claim to be slightly addicted to caffeine. Slightly addicted? There is no “slightly” in addicted. That’s like saying you’re “kind of” stupid. You’re addicted, and stupid for not recognising your addiction. Deal.
I do believe there is no more important way to start your day than with a cuppa. I imagine Mother Teresa used to have a latte before going out blessing people and saving lives. Well there might be a more important way to start your day, but I don’t know what it is.
No-one knows, not even the Hitchhiker's 42 will provide any assistance to this conundrum, which is why the working class peoples of the world who occupy a house with electricity get up at the crack of too-early and start grinding coffee beans in a sleep-induced haze.
Comedify your life
Another fairly fascinating and titillating titbit from the endless catalogue of excitement that is my life is the news that I was blessed with a Sound Machine for Christmas. A Sound Machine is fairly self-explanatory – it is a gadget that has a selection of sounds for any event that happens in your life, and, more significantly, can be used to exasperate anyone in ear shot. I’m not obsessed with my new gadget at all.
Just so you can share in the inexorable excitement, here is a list of its classic sound effects: clap, audience, canned laughter, unlucky, loser, bomb, gun shot, smashed glass, cash register, drum roll, punch line theme, spring, bright idea, wolf whistle, scream, fart and burp. It is the perfect gadget for incredibly immature people like myself. So I’ve started to comic strip my life, comedify my life, if you will. Sure, I made up the word ‘comedify’. But the word police are too busy reading the thesaurus to care that I made up one. During one of my journalism lectures, a very sombre journalist (see: a sandal-wearing deep thinker) pontificated that it is best to dream up words when you deem that no other word will do. Hmm, I don’t know about that. Alternatively, some good advice would be to branch out and learn the existing words, which seem to be adequate to the rest of the English speaking world.
I am proposing to carry my new gadget friend to places that need a little cheer, like shopping centres, Parliament Question Time and Afghanistan, to name but a few places that need someone to break the ice through a unsolicited manufactured burp or raspberry.
I imagine I will need to engage in a bit of covert action to get in the door, but then everyone will be all agreeable with each other. Or I’ll be shot in the head with an uzi. That’s the inherent risk when you arm yourself with a fun Sound Machine – you never know what’s around the corner.
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