Last year I paid a visit to a little mouse in his little house in his humble little town called Disneyland. By day it was a land of fairy princesses, friendliness, happiness, children screaming with delight, and grown men dressed in painfully bright cartoon costumes, presumably to entertain their infant children.
But nightfall gives rise to Disney’s underbelly. While it prides itself on being the happiest place on earth, after 7pm it's the crankiest place in the universe.
The kids scream, fuelled by sugar and tiredness, and an influx of psycho ushers with a preference for the Stalinist approach to crowd control enter the game. They taught me everything I need to know about getting myself thrown out of a theme park.
I first met Mickey on the sidewalk of Main Street USA, which is akin to the Las Vegas strip, but without creepy men handing out stripper cards.
I queued to get a photo with the manmouse, pushing aside his shorter, weaker groupies to get to the front of the line. I learnt this tactic from observing the Usher Jedi – from the school of “may the force of the sidewalk break your face”.
Mickey was awesome and I was a little bit starstruck, hence the demented look on my face during our photo opportunity (that's Mickey's hand/foot/paw on my shoulder). This mouse is one of the biggest stars in the world, which says quite a bit about the world.
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Minnie admired my Minnie tshirt when we met, so I chose not to tell her that I bought it from an unofficial merchandise store near my hotel that doesn’t mark up the price threefold.
Minnie is the only mouse in the world who can get away with wearing canary yellow shoes and black opaque tights. I also saw her in her aviator outfit circa whenever that was in fashion, ready to fly off in her spitfire or whatever the hell it was.
It’s amazing how much Mickey gets done throughout the day by flapping his arms, clapping his hands excitedly and jumping up and down holding his head.
The force of the Usher Jedi came to my attention on the first night, when they strided into Main Street en masse to keep the marauding crowds from trampling each other during the evening parades and fireworks.
I came to admire their unique management style; it truly is astounding how much power you can wield when you have a glow wand and know how to wave it.
But there are always some that go rogue, who have watched more than their fair share of Star Wars, and these are the ones who kept you entertained while sitting in the gutter waiting for the evening fireworks show.
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